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I’m going to go out on a limb and coin a new phrase here – Corporate Punishment. We’ve all heard of corporal punishment as infliction of physical pain in response to an action, but what the heck is corporate punishment? It is a trap that we can easily fall into as parents and teachers because we see it happening all around us. What it is, why it is harmful, and what to do about it are the topics of this post.

Let’s define corporate punishment as the application of the same punishment to a group of individuals. That might be something as simple as putting all of your children in time-out because they’re behaving badly. We see it in schools all the time where the teacher yells at the whole class or makes them all write sentences when in reality only a couple of children are acting up. The first example is clearly OK because all of the children are involved, but the second can be problematic. The children who were not part of the problem suffer a consequence, which sends the wrong message to them about their good behavior.

Corporate punishment can show up in not-so-obvious ways, which is what we observe among adults. I’ve had to catch myself doing this in my workplace. When I come up with a new rule or policy that applies to all of my associates, I have to ask myself is it a reaction to one or two people that is penalizing the group as a whole? Applying corporate punishment in this fashion is generally a method for avoiding conflict with the troublemakers. Sometimes you discover that there is a situation or condition that needs clarification for the group as a whole, but routinely stamping out bad behavior by swatting the whole group destroys morale.

I get it that there are situations where punishing the group as a whole leads to the group applying social correction to the offenders. This might work in a group of adults or in a team environment but generally is not understood by children who are evaluated on their individual performance. I don’t think that corporate punishment is effective in the classroom. When a child is singled out for their behavior it’s tough and may create an uncomfortable conversation with that child’s parents, but if they aren’t made aware of the problem then it never goes away. Corporate punishment may address a specific situation short term, but that situation will happen again and again until the root of the problem is dealt with.

If you’re a parent whose child might be the victim of corporate punishment, follow the general guidelines below to uncover the situation.

  1. Get the facts from your child. Be as specific about dates and punishments as possible.
  2. Don’t discuss your actions with the child; that will undermine their teacher’s authority.
  3. Ask the teacher if your child has been a problem and get specific details to see if the stories line up.
  4. Discuss with the teacher your concerns about what you’ve heard and possible solutions. If you fear retaliation on your child, go to the school principal.
  5. Be a good role model and example of the proper application of discipline in your home.

Teachers specifically, I know you have a very difficult job but no parent wants to hear that their child was unjustly disciplined. I would like to hear your thoughts on corporate punishment. Parents, do you see this happening? Have you had successful interactions with your child’s teachers on this subject?

Application Question – What can I do to recognize corporate punishment? Am I supporting my child’s teachers? Am I guilty of using corporate punishment to avoid conflict?

 

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Teachers all over the country are experiencing a similar phenomenon in their classrooms – spring fever. Just about the time spring break rolls around kids begin to think about summer and stop thinking about school. Unfortunately, this is the time of year when standardized testing and final assessments take place, so it’s no time to mail it in. In this post we’ll discuss strategies for keeping your child focused to finish the school year strong.

At home you’re probably feeling this as well. It gets harder to get your children up in the morning and to get them to focus on doing their homework. Now imagine the frustrations that the teachers are facing when they have 20 or more kids all struggling to focus. By April, it has been a long school year and kids are tired of schoolwork, but in most systems there is still a lot of work to be done. It is a particularly frustrating time for schools because their biggest academic assessment each year for No Child Left Behind happens in the spring. Here are a few tips to help keep your child focused and finish strong:

  1. Keep your routines. We are all creatures of habit and sticking to a well-established routine is one key to a smooth-running household.
  2. Send your child to school. Things can come up in the spring and it can be tempting to let your child lay out of school here and there. The more you do this, the more your kids will want to stay out, and a vicious cycle ensues. Send them to school and you send a strong message to your children about keeping their obligations.
  3. Remember bedtime. With the days getting longer, the evening can sneak up on you pretty quickly and it might seem earlier than it really is. In concert with routines, keep an eye on the clock and make sure your kids get their normal night of sleep.
  4. Get your kids outside. Playing in the yard or with the neighborhood kids is a way to burn off that energy and buy you some peace and quiet in the afternoons. Use the warm weather and longer days to your advantage. Join them for some family fun and fitness.
  5. Openly plan your summer vacations and fun. If your children have something to look forward to upon completion of the school year, it could sustain them through the rest of the year and give them something to work towards.
  6. Be supportive of your teachers and school. Teachers are most effective when they have the full support and backing of parents, and this time of year is even more critical to have that cooperation. Have your child do their homework and study for upcoming tests. Keep the lines of communication open and be involved whenever you can as a parent.
  7. Use praise, rewards and incentives liberally. Children respond very favorably when appropriate levels of incentive are given for doing the right things. When you catch your child doing something good, or getting compliments from their teacher, or bringing home good grades, let them know you appreciate it.

Keeping up the intensity can have more than just psychological benefits. Perhaps a grade moves from a “B” to an “A” or, going the opposite direction, a class is failed by coasting at the end of the year. For high schoolers, this can be significant. In the case of my oldest son, his act of finishing strong his senior year moved him from #2 to #1 in class ranking and earned him an additional scholarship. With active, intentional parenting, you can help your child finish strong and fight spring fever.

Question – Is your case of spring fever rubbing off on your child?

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I’ve written several posts on the parent/teacher/student relationship. This unique triangle is rather specific to the K-12 learning environment. Without proper care and feeding of that relationship, things can get off track rather quickly with your child. I’m speaking from experience here, so read on for my story and what to do about it.

By virtue of not being present in the school, the parent is in a position where they are on the outside looking in. We expect our children to accurately share what is happening in their classrooms, and we expect timely updates from their teachers. For busy teachers and children who are struggling this might not be the case. The kids may not want to share bad news, and the teachers expect that the kids share everything at home. Here is where the parent gets lost.

One of my kids is that struggling child. He struggles because he would rather socialize with his friends in school instead of doing the work. We know this because he brings home little to no homework and his online grade reports show several zeroes (By the way parents, zero on homework or classwork indicates no effort, which is not the teacher’s fault). Consequently, we seem to get to the end of a grading period and make a mad scramble to get his grades to an acceptable level.

So, needless to say we haven’t had the best luck with this, which tells me that I need to do a better job with the teachers. As I wrote in a previous post, “trust but verify” is the right approach to take when you have a kid that might not be forthcoming with his schoolwork. When we have been successful, there are a few common themes that seem to recur, and those are listed below.

We have been the most successful when we’re able to get the teacher’s email address and their phone number who will cooperate in an ongoing dialog. By having direct access to the teacher, any communications that might be lost  between the classroom and the living room can be confirmed. The information that parents get from direct communication tend to settle any disputes over assignments that are due or performance in the classroom.

Ask for a conference with your child’s teachers. This gives you a more in-depth chance to talk about what might be going on in the classroom. If your child has multiple teachers and you begin to hear the same things from each of them, you might begin to zero in on some underlying behavior or problem common to all classes.

The next most effective approach is to have the website where the teacher posts any coursework or information. By having the website, we can gain access at home to the most recent assignments and ask to see that the work has been completed. If your teacher will post homework on the day that it is assigned, then you can encourage your child to do that work before it is past due. On the other hand, a teacher’s website is only reliable if it is regularly updated.

We have used an agenda for an older child. In our experience these have been limited to use in elementary school and junior high, then the teachers expect the high school students to write down their own assignments. We’ve even had our son’s teachers sign his agenda to verify that they have seen it and that the written assignments are correct. It might be a little embarrassing to your child, but maybe that’s the spark they need to take some responsibility.

Most schools have another website where the actual grades are posted. These can be good to have as well, but our experience has been that some teachers wait till the end of the grading period to put in grades. By then, it is too late to help your child recover.

In summary, building those relationships with your child’s teachers through ongoing communication is the most likely avenue to success. What you don’t know about you cannot fix, but you also cannot ignore the problems. Teachers are much more likely to work with parents who pay attention and get involved than those who do not. You owe it to your child to know what is going on in their classroom and to help them through their struggles.

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As the title of this post suggests, a natural triangle is formed between parent, teacher, and student. There is a very high correlation between the student’s level of success in school and the strength of the interpersonal relationship between parent, student, and teacher. The more each party is invested in the relationship, the better the outcomes. The following figure depicts the dynamics of this unique relationship.

Parent/Student/Teacher dynamic

As parents, I believe we hold the most leverage in making this relationship successful. Both the teachers and the students “must” be in the relationship because of their role. By virtue of being in school together each day, a relationship is forged whether good or bad. Parents, however, choose how much they want to be involved. I’ve heard both teachers and students ask “…if the parent doesn’t care, then why should I care?” We’ve all known parents who are disengaged, students who don’t apply themselves, and teachers who are just going through the motions.

You can see at the center of this diagram that each of the three circles overlaps at an area labeled “Balanced”. This is the sweet spot where the ideal levels of interactions take place between teacher, parent, and student. Note that if you move the big circles closer together that the “Balanced” area gets bigger. Though these circles will never converge because everyone is different, the idea is to make sure that the dynamics of this three-pronged relationship remain in harmony. If anyone in this group begins to operate under their own agenda, then the further they pull from the other two in the relationship.

The interesting parts of this picture are the football-shaped ovals where two of the three circles overlap. You’ll notice how I labeled these – home-centric, adult-centric, and school-centric. I believe that the interactions between the two parties that fall into each of these ovals can either enhance or compromise the relationship of the trio. Parents, where we have these interactions with either our child or with their teacher, we must consider how our responses will support the third party while at the same time building on the relationship at large. Talking bad about a teacher to your child or making excuses for your child to their teacher does nothing to strengthen their relationship. You, as parent have the unique perspective of knowing the qualities and tendencies of your child and understanding the challenges of looking at the child’s world through an adult set of eyes. You, my friend, can make all the difference in this relationship.

I see this unique relationship triangle as a three-legged stool. Remove any of the three legs and the stool falls over. Parents, it is time for us to step up and engage this relationship. Where possible, aim your interactions about school at the center of the diagram but at all times understand and respect all parties in the relationship.

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After the holidays, it can be tough to get back in the swing of things. Everyone has had a few extra days off, including the kids. They may have gotten away with staying up late, sleeping in, and certainly taking a break from school activities. In most schools, the second semester of the year starts either this week or next so it is very important to get a fast start on good grades to finish the year. Here are a few strategies that you might consider to get that fast start in your home:

  • Start fresh. With a New Year and new semester comes new opportunities. All grades are zeroed out and everyone starts at the same mark. Hanging on to the accomplishments (or lack thereof) from the past does little to create success in the upcoming semester.
  • Contact your child’s teachers. Take a moment to reach out to them and understand what’s in store for the rest of the year and catch up on any concerns about your child.
  • Create a new routine. Taking a different route to school or doing things in a different order in the morning can get the creative juices flowing in your child. By seeing things in a different light, it forces their brains to stand up and take note.
  • Ease back into your normal after-school schedule. Remember that your child has lots of new toys or things to distract them, and they’ve spent the better part of the last two weeks enjoying those items. Cut them a little slack for a couple of weeks if they want to play right when they get home, and slowly work back into your normal homework regimen.
  • Stick to your bedtimes. A good, solid sleep schedule will do wonders for your child’s attentiveness, alertness, and demeanor.
  • Be aware of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). This is a very real phenomenon also known as the winter blues. It affects most normal people with depression-like symptoms, and it is usually associated with spending lots of time indoors during the short days of winter. Engage your child in different activities to help combat this disorder. We like to take our kids bowling or skating when the weather is cold and get them outside when possible.
  • Remember that the holidays were disruptive for everyone, including you. Going back to work can also jolt you back into reality in a negative way. Whatever you do, don’t take out your own frustrations of going back to work or getting back to normal on your child. The better your attitude towards life and getting back to normal, the better your child’s attitude will be.
  • Be patient. It may take everyone a few days to get back to normal.
  • If your college child is still home from their holiday break, involve them in the daily routines also. It will be good for them to get back to waking in the morning and, as young adults, they can help you get the rest of the household back on track.

However you cope with the situation, realize that this return to life is short-lived and that it will soon pass. Give your home and your children the boost that they need to get ahead and stay ahead to finish the year strong.

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As much as I’d like to give you a the magic formula to what works, this and other blog posts is a collection of things that have worked for us and what has worked for others.  Motivation comes from within.  How, then, do you get a child excited about school when they just don’t seem to care?  When you know that your teenager is perfectly capable of doing the assignments in class but just won’t?  When you know that your middle schooler put that homework in their backpack because you saw it there and somehow it didn’t make it to the teacher?  When your third grader just refuses to read although the book is easy and you’ve heard them read much harder things in their life?

Motivation that we attempt to create in our child or someone else is known as extrinsic motivation.  That is, it is externally provided.  That sort of motivation is hard to sustain.  For one thing, as in the middle schooler or teenager examples above, you’re not there at school to provide the motivation.  And the promise of reward doesn’t always work either.  The most effective rewards and consequences are the ones that happen immediately, but again you can’t always be there to provide that immediate feedback especially when it comes to school.  We have to find a way to make learning and success a driving component of your child’s personality.  Until we can do that, it will be very difficult to sustain long-term success.

If extrinsic motivation is ineffective, how do we create intrinsic motivation?  For one, learning has to be fun for your child.  Sometimes they won’t have the most exciting and dynamic teacher but you can help at home.  Look at their learning environment at home and see what you can do to make it as comfortable and conducive to learning as possible.  Make every attempt to understand their learning styles.  Ask them to evaluate their own work.  Don’t always jump in to correct their work and never criticize their efforts.  If you’re asked, go ahead and assist them with whatever they are struggling with but resist the temptation to do their work for them.  Certainly don’t use additional homework, reading, or homemade assignments as punishment (remember writing sentences as a kid?).  Because these activities are either exactly or closely tied to what they do in school, the very nature of using them as a punishment will affect your child’s motivation to do these activities in school.  Leave time for unstructured play so that your child can exercise and explore their creative, imaginative side.  Give your child some activities that challenge their mind and stretches them beyond what you know their abilities to be.  It will exercise the critical thinking and problem-solving part of their minds and likely motivate them to complete a challenge.  Make sure that these are age-appropriate so that you don’t introduce frustration through what they feel is an impossible task.

At some point your child should come to understand the impact of their grades and the benefits of excelling in school.  However, prior to middle school your child won’t understand the long-term implications of their school performance, so save the speeches until then.  Even then, have this discussion as a talk with your child rather than as a lecture.  Engage them in adult conversation by asking questions rather than talking at them.  Remember that we want to use middle school as a dry run for high school, so it may take them some time to “get it” and begin to succeed because they are internally driven.

Don’t rush motivation.  Be patient and let your child be a kid.  What motivates one to success or action varies from person to person, and this goes for your child as well.

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What better way to give your child a leg up in school than to help them bond with their teacher?  If you think back to your childhood, there were probably one or two teachers who stood out in your mind as your favorites.  Either they inspired you or challenged you to do better, but in all cases you’ll probably agree that you genuinely liked those teachers better than all others.  That affinity was built on the relationship and bonding that your teacher was able to establish with you.  It’s no different today.  Let’s look at a couple of ways that you can help build this relationship.

You know your child better than anyone else does.  You understand their personality, their likes and dislikes, their mannerisms when they are tired, agitated, angry, or confused.  You know what discipline works on them and what does not.  Feel free to share these things with your child’s teachers.  It might feel like you are making excuses for your child or asking for special concessions, but you’ll know the difference.  If you ask for them to be treated differently, that’s OK – your child is an individual.  If you ask for them to be graded differently or to be excused for not turning in some work, that’s not OK – your child had the same opportunity as all the others to do the work.

In elementary school it is much easier for this bond to be built because your child spends the majority of their day with the same teacher.  In middle and high school, it’s different just because the teachers don’t see them all day long and because they see so many kids throughout the day.  They don’t have full exposure to the subjects that your child struggles with, so it is extremely important to communicate regularly with all of their teachers in both middle and high school.  When talking about your child, stick with the guidelines above to know when you’re crossing the line with their teachers.  Let your questions drive the conversation – if you’ll just ask open-ended questions and listen you’ll learn so much about your child.

It’s very tempting when your child is busy with activities to ask for extra credit or makeup opportunities.  While it is OK to do that for legitimate reasons (such as they were simply absent from school), please avoid the resistance to do this especially during the later grades.  Encourage your child to talk to their teacher and work through any issues or difficulties that they are having.  Besides the educational learning that takes place in school, there is a social aspect which takes place where a child learns how to deal with authority, to be responsible for their own outcomes, to develop and maintain mutual respect, and so on.  By intervening too much as a parent, you can give your child several wrong messages – that they can miss deadlines and still be OK, that you’ll be there to rescue them when they are in trouble, or that they can defy authority.  Sometimes it is best to let them slip up and pay the consequences.

Talk to your children favorably about their teachers.  Encourage them to befriend their teachers.  Contrary to what your child may believe, the vast majority of teachers want them to succeed.  Most all teachers entered the profession because they have a heart for children and a desire to see them become their very best.  At some point down the road, your child may need to leverage the relationship that they formed with one or more teachers.  If nothing else, your child needs to learn how to build relationships so please do whatever you can to build those favorably.

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We live in the Teflon age. What I mean by this is that nobody wants to accept responsibility for anything that goes wrong, so they don’t want anything bad to “stick to them”. Many folks put a lot more effort into avoiding blame or placing blame on others. I can assure you that our kids see when we do this and they learn from it. Parents, can’t you just hear your children now? A lamp goes crash in the other room and both of your kids have conflicting stories. Who ate the last cookie - Not me Mom. And so the story goes; it’s human nature to think that there will be less harsh consequences if we can avoid taking the blame. Students do this in school all the time. 

Parents, you can step up at this stage and teach your children how to take responsibility for their actions and the associated outcomes. There is marvelous book called QBQ by John Miller that talks about the topic of responsibility. This book, which is just over 100 pages, can easily be read by anyone sixth grade and up in an hour or so. Miller’s premise is captured in the subtitle to his book – by asking the right questions we can eliminate blame, complaints, and procrastination. He tells us to change questions around, always beginning with “What” or “How”, include “I” in the question, and focus on action. By doing so, each question becomes a natural call to action from within.

Let’s try an example: “Why does the teacher not like me?” becomes “What can I do to improve my relationship with my teacher?” See how the subtle wording change causes action and places the burden on the person asking the question? In this situation, the parent can also ask “What can I do to help my child with this struggle?” or “How can I find out exactly what the teacher expects of my son?” See how everyone is figuring out a way to get better?  Simple but powerful.

Questions that begin with “Who”, ”When”, and “Why” serve no good purpose when asked in the context that implies someone was at fault.  These questions also paint the picture that somehow you are a victim, that whatever circumstance happened to you was completely out of your control. Remember that we can’t control the actions of others, only the actions of ourselves. Our actions are often decided by our attitude, and if we let our kids continue to play the victim then they’ll eventually become helpless.  I encourage you to teach your children this little technique. You can help them do it also by suggesting good questions, and you too can model that behavior by asking what part you can play in helping your child get past the situation.  You’ll be amazed at the changes you’ll see.

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When a bodybuilder wants to grow their muscles, they pick up the heavy weights.  Their muscles need to be challenged in order to be strengthened.  Likewise, a student of any age needs to be challenged.  Taking a class where you already know all of the information, or only have to put forth minimal effort to get the job done, does little to develop your intellect and expertise in that area.  I believe that programs like No Child Left Behind puts the majority of students at a disadvantage because the very premise of the program is that all children meet the same standard.  I understand the goal – the children that are furthest behind get the assistance that they need.  I’m all for that, but in my opinion this assistance should come outside of class time, or the students should be sorted into classes based on their learning ability.  School systems are incented by their performance, and to show their progress will game the system by lowering standards, manipulating numbers, and so forth in order to receive federal funds.  Is that really what you want for your children?  I think that this act is better titled “No Child Gets Ahead”.  In my child’s elementary school this fall, they were required to take on 90 students from schools in the system that failed to meet Adequate Yearly Progress (AYP).  This caused them to lose some classroom space and increase student-to-teacher ratios in many classes.  Again, while I’m all for each student getting the best possible education, it should not come at the expense of the majority of the student population.

Opinions aside, here are some things you can do to ensure that your student is stretched and challenged:

  1. Turn off the television and have them read at home, beyond what is required for school.  This will open up a whole new world to them.
  2. Give them complex problems, proportional to their age, to solve.  For instance, if they have been doing addition and subtraction for some time, they are ready to be introduced to multiplication.  Start teaching them some facts.
  3. Encourage creative writing.  Young children especially are natural storytellers, so give them paper, pencil, and crayons to write their own stories and books.  These also make great keepsakes.
  4. When you do watch television, seek out educational and cross-cultural programming on channels like Discovery, The History Channel, PBS, National Geographic, and others.
  5. One of the games we play in the car is trivia.  For years, our children want us to ask questions proportional to their skills.  We’ll ask history, spelling, math, science, current events, and other questions off the top of our head.  A great way to pass the time while you travel.
  6. Keep a list of their spelling words on the refrigerator and call them out several times during the week.

Remember, you have very little control over what is taught in the classroom.  If you want to take charge of your child’s education, and ensure that they get every possible advantage, then get involved.  You are ultimately responsible for your child’s education.

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Last week, CNN published a great article on the teacher’s perspective.  In an essay by Ron Clark entitled “What teachers really want to tell parents”, he talks about the criticality of the parent-teacher relationship.  His essay touches on a few of the things I mentioned in this post.  I applaud him for saying that the “good” teachers aren’t necessarily the ones who give out the good grades.  In my opinion, we do way too much “social promotion” to move a kid through the system before they’re ready to go to the next grade.  The teacher who gives out the good grades may well be the one that is avoiding a learning or behavioral situation with a child.  However, teachers do this because they are pushed by parents to raise a grade, to give “extra credit”, or to understand their student’s busy schedule and the impact that a bad grade might have on their athletic participation status or college hopes.  The schools and the systems, sadly, are sometimes guilty of this pressure in order to raise the overall scores and performance of the school system.  Why not let the teachers be tough, set and hold to high standards for excellence in the classroom, and grade according to the scale that they set?  They need to have the freedom to do that without retaliation from the parents or the administration.

I also agree with his general premise that parents defend their children way too much to their teachers.  In my experience with the teachers that have educated my children, they have a very long fuse.  Teachers simply don’t have time to call and report every last detail of a child’s day, so when it gets to the point that the teacher calls then it must be pretty bad.  If your teacher needs to talk with you about your child, listen more than you talk.  It is an unfair one-way street that the teachers have to live on – they have children and parents who bad-mouth to each other about the teacher but the teacher doesn’t have the same luxury to tell a student about a bad parent.  Don’t be one of the parents that pits your child against their teacher.  If at all possible, have your discussions with the teacher without your child present.  Don’t talk negatively about the teacher to your child.  Doing so will destroy any credibility that your teacher has with your child, and it sends the message to your student that you’ll take care of any performance issues for them.

I can assure you that teachers are there to help your child succeed.  I have recently reconnected with my favorite teacher and the stories that she hears which are most rewarding are those where the student tells her that she challenged them and made them think.  If you’ll recall your youth, you will probably say the same things.  The teacher that stretched you the most was the one that impacted you the most.  They made it fun, they made it interesting, and most of all they probably taught you something about life while you spent time in their classroom.  Let’s help our teachers get back to those days by supporting them and trusting them to bring out the best in our children.

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