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How To Address Your Child’s Anxiety About School

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school anxiety

How many of these kids have some anxiety about school?
Courtesy of terren via Creative Commons license.

Now that we’ve passed the Labor Day landmark, school is back in full swing. Everyone has a new teacher now and the classroom culture is being established. Your child might adjust easily, so this time of year is no big deal to them. For other kids, this can be a difficult time. That’s because a change of environment brings about a level of anxiety. If that’s the case for your child, you might be feeling this from them at home also.

Each child will exhibit this anxiety in different ways. Your son or daughter could be displaying hostility towards siblings. Their appetite could be down, or up. Maybe your child is just acting out more, trying to get attention.

Anxiety may be displayed in their actions and attitudes about school. Your child can weave tall tales about how their teacher is mean. They could be difficult to get to bed at night, have trouble sleeping, or have any number of excuses to not go to school.

Here are seven tips to help you and your child cope with their anxiety:

  1. Be empathetic and listen. Don’t dismiss these feelings from your child because they are very real. Part of our job is to teach our child listening and coping skills.
  2. Remain positive. By simply realizing that this is happening, you can tailor your approach to your child in a positive manner.
  3. Ask your child questions. If you’ll take the time to ask questions about their situation, you’ll learn a lot more about what’s going on. This approach also reinforces the fact that you’re interested in your child and in their success.
  4. Make the connection with their teacher. I cannot say this often enough. Teachers yearn to have interested, involved parents. Once your child’s teacher knows that they have your full support, they are free to do their best work. If you have a concern with the teacher or some classroom rule, take it up with them privately. If your child hears you say something negative about the teacher or school in general, this naturally raises their anxiety level.
  5. Point out the positive aspects of school. It may sound trite, but simple reminders about their friends being there, recess, learning something new, or other things can ease their anxiety.
  6. Let your child know what’s expected and reward the right behaviors. Maybe your child thinks it is OK to act out their anxiety. Giving them guidelines and recognition when they do the right things will smooth over any rough spots.
  7. Setup good routines. When a child knows what to expect next, it removes stress. Establishing bedtimes, meal time, homework and study times and a predictable morning routine will make things easier on your child and on the entire family.

A little anxiety about something new is natural in all of us. It’s our job as parents to alleviate that anxiety, whether rooted in fear, uncertainty, or just dislike over the end of summer. In what ways have you successfully handled your child’s anxiety? Leave a comment for other readers to discuss. If you like this, please click like or share it with your friends using the buttons below.

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The Real Family Guys Podcast – Episode Eight

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Back to school on The Real Family Guys Podcast

Courtesy of Avalore via Creative Commons license.

It’s back to school time!

My Texas friend Trey Gibson and I host this weekly podcast dedicated to family and parenting topics. Check out the show at The Real Family Guys Podcast Episode 8. You’ll find a new episode of us there every Friday.

Today’s topics include:

We get into the back to school routine today. Paul discusses some of his observations over the past fifteen years of sending his kids to school. Some will be obvious, others not so much, but every tip here is sure to be something that all parents can use.

Some of the things we’ll cover are:
Teachers
Clothing
Back to school supplies
Donations and classroom volunteerism
Meals
Preparing The Night Before
Bedtime
Routines and Consistency

If you like to subscribe, all of our episodes will be available alongside Trey’s outstanding podcast on iTunes, Stitcher, Zune and more.

But most of all, let us know what you want us to talk about! It can be an issue that you’re having, a news story that you’ve seen, a personal story about your family, and more. Simply use my Contact form or click the telephone at right to leave a message for me 24 hours a day.

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When To Consider Military School?

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Military school

Courtesy of USACEpublicaffairs via Creative Commons license.

I watched the movie Act of Valor over the weekend. The movie was about a mission for Navy SEAL Team 7. I won’t spoil the movie for you but I highly recommend this for men of all ages. It depicts bravery, loyalty, toughness, duty, and valor in a way that most Americans will never understand. Women will love it too.

The movie reminded me of the nine years I spent in the United States Coast Guard. I loved every minute of it. My enlistment was a choice. I never planned to go in the service but I am proud that I did. But I never spent a day in military school or in the Junior ROTC in my high school.

So why might a parent choose a military school? The costs can be quite high, averaging more than $10,000 per year. Most of these schools also require on-campus living throughout the school year. Here are a few considerations for military school.

Structure is needed or desired. Some children just need good models for structure and discipline. Because the day is scheduled and structured for the students, this kind of environment can create good habits. Your kids might thrive in an organized, structured environment.

Military service runs strong in the family. Some children may want to continue this family tradition early in life. For the child who aspires to a military career, a military school can be the starting point.

Camaraderie, teamwork, and bonding. When you eat, sleep, and go to school with the same company of cadets you can’t help but build solid relationships. I remember my days in boot camp when we came together as a unit. It’s a feeling that few will experience. It’s also one that will have a lifelong impact on your child.

Excellent college preparation. Many of these schools have above-average entrance exam scores. Each year these military schools send graduates into the top colleges and universities across the nation. These kids have more interaction with their teachers and less interaction with television. On average, they also spend more time doing their homework. Military schools also promote extracurricular and service activities for their cadets.

Surprisingly, military schools are not appropriate for kids with discipline issues. A military school is not setup to provide the support and individualized treatment that these kids need. The in-your-face style of training and instruction doesn’t mix well with behavioral problems. Sending a child with discipline issues to military school will likely make the situation worse.

Parents should never use military school, or any other school, to avoid dealing with their child. Parenting is a difficult job. Life may get in the way sometimes. You cannot run from your parenting obligation or delegate it to someone else.

Military school doesn’t necessarily mean a military career. There is no service obligation for your child for these prep schools. And, some schools have scholarships and financial assistance programs to help with the cost. However, the characteristics and values taught at these schools apply to everyday life. If love of country, patriotism, and honor are high on you and your child’s list, you might consider a high-quality military school.

For more information, visit the Association of Military Colleges and Schools of the United States.

Discussion Question – Did you attend military school? Have you seriously considered it for your child?

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When Have You Had Enough?

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Parenting can get tough. Take a look at the following scenarios. Which of these would cause you to give up and throw in the towel?

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Is Corporate Punishment A Common Problem?

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I’m going to go out on a limb and coin a new phrase here – Corporate Punishment. We’ve all heard of corporal punishment as infliction of physical pain in response to an action, but what the heck is corporate punishment? It is a trap that we can easily fall into as parents and teachers because we see it happening all around us. What it is, why it is harmful, and what to do about it are the topics of this post.

Let’s define corporate punishment as the application of the same punishment to a group of individuals. That might be something as simple as putting all of your children in time-out because they’re behaving badly. We see it in schools all the time where the teacher yells at the whole class or makes them all write sentences when in reality only a couple of children are acting up. The first example is clearly OK because all of the children are involved, but the second can be problematic. The children who were not part of the problem suffer a consequence, which sends the wrong message to them about their good behavior.

Corporate punishment can show up in not-so-obvious ways, which is what we observe among adults. I’ve had to catch myself doing this in my workplace. When I come up with a new rule or policy that applies to all of my associates, I have to ask myself is it a reaction to one or two people that is penalizing the group as a whole? Applying corporate punishment in this fashion is generally a method for avoiding conflict with the troublemakers. Sometimes you discover that there is a situation or condition that needs clarification for the group as a whole, but routinely stamping out bad behavior by swatting the whole group destroys morale.

I get it that there are situations where punishing the group as a whole leads to the group applying social correction to the offenders. This might work in a group of adults or in a team environment but generally is not understood by children who are evaluated on their individual performance. I don’t think that corporate punishment is effective in the classroom. When a child is singled out for their behavior it’s tough and may create an uncomfortable conversation with that child’s parents, but if they aren’t made aware of the problem then it never goes away. Corporate punishment may address a specific situation short term, but that situation will happen again and again until the root of the problem is dealt with.

If you’re a parent whose child might be the victim of corporate punishment, follow the general guidelines below to uncover the situation.

  1. Get the facts from your child. Be as specific about dates and punishments as possible.
  2. Don’t discuss your actions with the child; that will undermine their teacher’s authority.
  3. Ask the teacher if your child has been a problem and get specific details to see if the stories line up.
  4. Discuss with the teacher your concerns about what you’ve heard and possible solutions. If you fear retaliation on your child, go to the school principal.
  5. Be a good role model and example of the proper application of discipline in your home.

Teachers specifically, I know you have a very difficult job but no parent wants to hear that their child was unjustly disciplined. I would like to hear your thoughts on corporate punishment. Parents, do you see this happening? Have you had successful interactions with your child’s teachers on this subject?

Application Question – What can I do to recognize corporate punishment? Am I supporting my child’s teachers? Am I guilty of using corporate punishment to avoid conflict?

 

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Flowers of Spring Fever

Finish Strong and Fight Spring Fever

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Teachers all over the country are experiencing a similar phenomenon in their classrooms – spring fever. Just about the time spring break rolls around kids begin to think about summer and stop thinking about school. Unfortunately, this is the time of year when standardized testing and final assessments take place, so it’s no time to mail it in. In this post we’ll discuss strategies for keeping your child focused to finish the school year strong.

At home you’re probably feeling this as well. It gets harder to get your children up in the morning and to get them to focus on doing their homework. Now imagine the frustrations that the teachers are facing when they have 20 or more kids all struggling to focus. By April, it has been a long school year and kids are tired of schoolwork, but in most systems there is still a lot of work to be done. It is a particularly frustrating time for schools because their biggest academic assessment each year for No Child Left Behind happens in the spring. Here are a few tips to help keep your child focused and finish strong:

  1. Keep your routines. We are all creatures of habit and sticking to a well-established routine is one key to a smooth-running household.
  2. Send your child to school. Things can come up in the spring and it can be tempting to let your child lay out of school here and there. The more you do this, the more your kids will want to stay out, and a vicious cycle ensues. Send them to school and you send a strong message to your children about keeping their obligations.
  3. Remember bedtime. With the days getting longer, the evening can sneak up on you pretty quickly and it might seem earlier than it really is. In concert with routines, keep an eye on the clock and make sure your kids get their normal night of sleep.
  4. Get your kids outside. Playing in the yard or with the neighborhood kids is a way to burn off that energy and buy you some peace and quiet in the afternoons. Use the warm weather and longer days to your advantage. Join them for some family fun and fitness.
  5. Openly plan your summer vacations and fun. If your children have something to look forward to upon completion of the school year, it could sustain them through the rest of the year and give them something to work towards.
  6. Be supportive of your teachers and school. Teachers are most effective when they have the full support and backing of parents, and this time of year is even more critical to have that cooperation. Have your child do their homework and study for upcoming tests. Keep the lines of communication open and be involved whenever you can as a parent.
  7. Use praise, rewards and incentives liberally. Children respond very favorably when appropriate levels of incentive are given for doing the right things. When you catch your child doing something good, or getting compliments from their teacher, or bringing home good grades, let them know you appreciate it.

Keeping up the intensity can have more than just psychological benefits. Perhaps a grade moves from a “B” to an “A” or, going the opposite direction, a class is failed by coasting at the end of the year. For high schoolers, this can be significant. In the case of my oldest son, his act of finishing strong his senior year moved him from #2 to #1 in class ranking and earned him an additional scholarship. With active, intentional parenting, you can help your child finish strong and fight spring fever.

Question – Is your case of spring fever rubbing off on your child?

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What Happened to Community Parenting?

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In my youth, parents were the eyes and ears for one another where their kids were concerned. Parents trusted one another to make sure that their kids stayed out of trouble. Sadly, that trend has changed and with that I believe our kids are getting into more trouble than ever before. This post explores the reasons for this phenomenon and how we can begin to swing the pendulum in the other direction.

I think the foremost reason for this change is the loss of community. We are all so busy and so consumed with the rigors of everyday life that we no longer know our neighbors, much less the parents of our kid’s classmates. Moms and Dads both work nowadays, and coupled with the migration to the suburbs the “bedroom community” is the new norm. People spend their evenings in their homes, rarely with enough time to get all of the daily chores complete before they collapse for the night.

The second trend that has caused this breakdown is the digital age. The ease through which we can chat, or send an email, tweet, or update a Facebook status has drawn us indoors. No longer do neighbors meet and talk face-to-face or over the phone. The backyard conversation between two moms is all but history. What has been sold as the way to make the world smaller has become the way the world has grown more isolated. Our neighbors are now strangers, and nobody trusts strangers.

The third reason that contributes to the loss of community parenting is litigation and lawsuits. A small percentage of our population is quick to point blame and pull the trigger at any hint that a lawsuit might lead to some financial reward. Even well-meaning individuals with good intentions are often targeted by these people. The old saying goes that no good deed goes unpunished. This has created an environment where people would rather not get involved than risk being sued, so they turn the other way instead of getting involved.

Finally, parents by and large believe that their kids can do no wrong. Or, at least they don’t want to admit their child’s wrongs to someone else. Any accusation by another parent is quickly met with defensiveness from the accused’s parent. So, parents turn a blind eye to what other kids are doing as long as their kids aren’t involved.

I don’t think it’s a lost cause even with today’s hectic schedules. Here is what I think we can do to restore the partnership with other parents and know what our children are up to:

  1. Go to school meetings. Get involved in as many school activities as you can as a parent.
  2. Talk to other parents who have kids involved in the same activities as your child.
  3. Pick up the telephone. Get the phone numbers of these parents that you connect with in steps 1 and 2 and don’t be afraid to establish and maintain an open line of communications with other parents.
  4. Trust but verify. If your child is going to someone’s house, call in advance to see if the parents will be home and if they are OK with it.
  5. Give permission. By now, if you’ve done steps 1-4, you have established trust and rapport with other parents. Extend to them the confidence that they can correct your child within your guidelines during your absence, and if that isn’t working to let you know.
  6. Remember your youth. As a child you know that you got away with a lot of things and you know how the child’s mind works. Children today are no different; always be on the lookout for any wayward behavior in your child and others.
  7. Follow your instincts. If you sense that something is wrong, go with it. Do not be afraid to talk with another parent. You might be protecting more than just your child by bringing something to their attention.

The African proverb says that it takes a village to raise a child. With all of the distractions and temptations that face our kids today, I fully agree. As busy parents, we simply cannot be everywhere or know everything that our children are up to so we need help from others. How else can we restore community parenting? In what ways is it working for you?

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IQ Doesn’t Matter

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That’s a strong statement – IQ, or Intelligence Quotient, doesn’t matter. But we all know people who are brilliant, maybe even absolute geniuses, who don’t have enough common sense to come in out of the rain. This post will look at several questions, including:

  • Does education improve your IQ?
  • Does your IQ level equate to success?
  • Can a high IQ be a distraction?
  • If IQ is not important, what does matter instead?

First of all, can education improve your IQ? Absolutely. This doesn’t necessarily mean formal education in school, but a general exposure to educational topics and exercises will improve your cognitive ability. On a typical IQ test there are several questions related to math, words and reading, logic, and reasoning. By being exposed to a variety of problems, reading, challenging your mind, and so forth, your brain gets a workout. Just like your muscles, the more your brain is put to the test the better it will perform.

Does your IQ level equate to success? This is a tricky one – success has many different connotations. Let’s say that success means a good job with a good income. In these terms, IQ is no indicator or predictor of success at work. What about success in the classroom? Those with a higher IQ have better tools to succeed in the classroom, but just like the raw talent that any person might have in another area of their life that talent has to be put to use. In The Millionaire Mind, author Tom Stanley writes that test scores and IQ have very little to do with financial success.

Can a high IQ be a handicap or a distraction? That depends on the person possessing the high IQ. If a person decides that they don’t need to do the hard work or that they understand because their IQ is that much higher than others, they may find themselves quickly falling behind in school or at work. IQ is a test of general intellect, not of a specific subject matter. One with a high IQ may also be less open to solutions or possibilities other than ones that they have formulated simply because they feel that they have a superior intellect. So, a person with a high IQ might have interpersonal issues that they have to deal with which impedes their success at work, in school, and in relationships.

Which leads me to my final question – if IQ is not important, what matters instead? It is a factor known as Emotional Intelligence, Emotional Quotient, or EQ. Quite simply put, EQ is a measure of a person’s ability to relate with others, with themselves, and with the world around them. Components such as relationship and social awareness, adaptability and stress management, overall mood, and general awareness of one’s own feelings are essential to EQ.

In an upcoming post I’ll take a look at a classic book that describes ways you can improve your EQ. In the meantime, please chime in with your thoughts on IQ and EQ. Which one do you possess more of and where do you struggle? How does either impact your work or personal life? What are you doing to improve where you have challenges?

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Why Do My Kids Have Group Projects in School?

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When I went through my undergraduate program almost 20 years ago, most of my grades depended on my individual effort. Tests were individual assessments, homework and classwork was individualized, attendance was certainly individual, and most of the projects we had were individual. I thrived in that environment and made the grades to show it. But, a lot of my master’s degree program has focused on team and group projects, and I hear more examples out of my kids where they’re doing the same in elementary, middle, and high school. Why the change in trend and how should we embrace this?

Traditionally, public school has been a product of the Industrial Age. Factories needed trained, compliant workers to do their part in the assembly-line model. No creativity, ingenuity, or questioning of the status quo needed – where school is thought of as a place to learn and be educated, it turned into the assembly line for producing workers. As you think about each item that comes off the assembly line, the one in front of it looks exactly like the one behind it, which is exactly the outcome that you want. The purpose of the education system was to do the same thing – produce the same type of worker so that when they get to the factory the quality and function of each one is the same as those beside them. So, the testing and evaluation done on the student (product) at each grade (step) in school (the assembly line) is to ensure conformity and fit to the minimum acceptable standards.

That type of work is disappearing from North America. We are in the twilight of the Industrial Age and in the heyday of the Information Age. Individuals are needed today for their individuality and contribution. The static, mechanistic work environment of the factory simply does not exist today. Today’s workers are knowledge workers. They need to be able to look at a variety of situations, working with any number of individuals locally or across the planet, and derive solutions, make improvements, or create entirely new products based on team collaboration. The individual alone sees things through their own eyes, where working within the team opens up many points of view. Alone, or individually, the sum of each person’s contributions and efforts on a team will be less than their collective efforts combined. Using corporate lingo, this is synergy in action.

So, back to group work or individual work. I used to cringe when I thought about working in a group. I felt like if I could control the process/project from beginning to end then I alone was responsible for the outcome. In some respects, I still feel that way. But, as I’ve moved into management, I have seen the power of my team working together and the power of working in concert with my peer management team. The things that we have been able to accomplish when everyone pulls in the same direction towards a common goal have been astounding. In tomorrow’s work force, even the move towards more interaction over social media will require greater levels of group work and coordination. The best online businesses today leverage their associates, customers, and partners into a dynamic community that, together, makes a difference in the life of the business.

So, when your child comes home with a group project, realize that they need those skills now more than ever before. There will be times when their team members don’t pull their weight, and that is also OK. If your child can learn at an early age how to interact with teams, and how to work through team dynamics and drama, then they will be the ones that will thrive in tomorrow’s economy.

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Do You Tolerate Backtalk and Eye-rolling?

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I remember when I was growing up that I didn’t ever argue with my parents. We just knew they were the authority and that what they said was the law. So where did this generation of eye-rolling, back-talking, whiny kids come from? Do they live in your house? How do you handle it? I’m reading a book lately on this topic and I’d like to hear your thoughts on this subject, as would my other readers.

First of all, I’m looking for ideas. We have this to some degree in our household and it’s tough to deal with at times. Most of the time my kids respond pretty well and are generally respectful. However, they have learned the art of negotiation and believe that they can use it with their parents as well. When the negotiation doesn’t go their way, that’s when the conversation can break down. Their language, tone, volume, and mannerisms then cross over into the land of being disrespectful. I’d like to figure out how to break this.

While I want my children to have their opinions, there is no place for disrespect of adults, either in school or in the home. My guess is that this is one of the primary problems that teachers face today – children who have no fear of retribution. I believe this stems from parenting. Parents whose children display this level of defiance are either apathetic because they’re too busy, or they are overly protective and defend their children against any and all accusations.

The book I mentioned at the outset is How To Unspoil Your Child Fast by Richard Bromfield, PhD. I picked it up a couple of weeks ago when it showed up on Amazon’s daily list of free Kindle books. He points out that several parenting strategies can lead to this type of behavior. See if you can identify with any of these: counting to three, time-outs, making promises, negotiating or dealing, responding to the whiny voice, bribing, and idle threats. The problem with these strategies, Bromfield says, is that in some cases we overuse them, and in other cases the strategy is just plain inappropriate. He also gives a list of symptoms that can help us identify if maybe we’re spoiling our child. A couple of not-so-obvious examples – you rationalize your child’s behavior, you explain yourself repeatedly, or your child ignores you.

So we have to do something; continuing to let your child behave in this manner keeps discontent running in your home and leads to a child that will struggle with interpersonal relationships into adulthood. Bromfield makes the argument that most parents today are either authoritarian (too much control) or permissive (too little control). The “sweet spot” is to become more authoritative parents – in control yet responsive and flexible. As I am reading through this book, I can see some of my own behaviors that I need to correct. I would recommend this quick read but only if you’re willing to admit that there might be a problem and that you, the parent, are ready to fix it.

So what are your issues? If you’ve had success in this area, what did you do? Teachers, please chime in here. How can parents help with their child’s behavior in school? What disciplinary actions and punishments seem most effective, and which ones have no effect at all? In my opinion, it takes a team effort to teach a child respect for adults, and the primary players on that team are the parents and their teachers.

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