Archives For respect

Why It Is So Hard To Shut Up And Listen

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lg_shut_up_and_listenSometimes it’s like I’m deaf. I won’t listen to what my kids are saying to me.

My 17 year-old son Nick was out past curfew last night. He attempted to call me on the phone a few minutes before but I didn’t answer. I called him back right at his curfew and told him to get home. He had an explanation but I didn’t want to hear it. I told him on the phone that he was grounded without even finding out what happened.

I had given him permission to have two friends over to spend the night. When they were ready to head home, the driver had to go to his house. Between getting his stuff and switching vehicles some keys were locked out. It took some time for them to get back in and get to the house.

So I was punishing my kid even though:

he called me,

he was where he was supposed to be, and

he was doing nothing wrong.

So much for that Father of the Year award. All because I failed to listen. I had egg on my face this morning when I heard the story and had to recant my punishment.

Stephen Covey writes as Habit 5 “Seek First To Understand, Then To Be Understood.” I’ve read the book. I’ve taken classes on the Seven Habits. I know this. I’ve written about this before (see “Can You Hear Me Now“). Then why do I have such a hard time putting it into practice?

Maybe it’s because as parents we think we know everything. We feel like we’re the authority figure in the home and kids should do everything we say. We get caught up in assumptions and expecting bad behavior. While we are the authority, we don’t know everything.

Sometimes we expect the worst. Our minds conjure up images of what they might be up to. Punishment seems to be the only alternative. We may want to be assertive and decisive in our parenting. We try to command respect instead of earn respect. Listening can be construed as weakness.

Seeking first to understand is about active listening. It’s not enough to simply wait your turn to talk. Seeking to understand means probing. It means stopping to evaluate what you’ve heard. It means asking questions. It means putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. It means showing the same respect that you would want.

So what should I have done instead? Several things come to mind.

  • I could have answered the phone when he called the first time.
  • I should have listened to the story instead of getting my words across.
  • If I wanted Nick home, I could have gone to get him myself.
  • I could have asked if they needed help.
  • I could have extended grace and not been such a stickler on the curfew.

So, more for me than for your guys, don’t be so quick to snap to judgment. Remember that we are modeling behavior for our kids every day. If we want them to grow up and be active listeners, we need to show them how. Beginning with me.

Discussion Questions – What parenting success story can you share where active listening techniques paid off?

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Corporate Culture – Your Family’s Values and Attitudes

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Last Monday I posted about creating a corporate culture for our family. I spent some time defining what a corporate culture is and I went through some of the benefits and how you might talk about and implement this in your home. In this post and the next, I will go into detail about how you can discover and define the different components that make up a corporate culture.

Let’s talk first about values. Values are the things that we hold most dear, that we treasure the most. In our home, values tend to be the mindsets, habits, and behaviors that we protect at all cost. In order to establish your set of values, think about the qualities that you want your family to aspire to. These might include things like respect, wisdom, love, generosity, persistence, excellence, fun, and others. Let your entire family participate in the discussion on family values. Begin with a set of questions like:

What makes it fun to be home?

What do others in the family do for you that you appreciate the most?

How do you want others outside of the family to think of you?

What things make you proud to be a member of this family?

Describe what would make things perfect in our family.

You might come up with a list of other questions as your family discusses this important topic. I recommend starting here because having the values defined really gives you a point of reference for working through the other components of a corporate culture.

As for attitudes, these can overlap with the values somewhat. Attitudes will encompass how we respond to others, what our general outlook on life is, and how we relate to adversity. Having these on a list gives us an important point of reference for correcting any disrespectful behavior. Your questions that will discover the important attitudes for your family might be:

When bad things happen, how should I respond?

What words do I use to show I have a good attitude?

Describe what a bad attitude looks like.

When things are going my way, what does a good attitude look like?

How do you feel when you talk to someone with a bad attitude?

Again, you might uncover additional questions as your family discusses attitudes. It is up to you as parents to guide the session and ensure that everyone participates. There are no right or wrong answers; all we want to do is create a predictable, comfortable culture in our home.

As for how to actually conduct these sessions, I highly recommend you do it as a family. This conveys the message that this is a very important activity. Have some fun with this and write their responses down. If possible, capture the responses on a whiteboard, chalkboard, or flip chart for everyone to see. Make sure everyone agrees with everything on the list, then come up with these one or two word phrases that describe the things that you hear. Make sure that all of your responses are consistent and do not contradict others on the list.

Another tip that you might consider is capturing these discussions on video. The words and interactions will be precious to you later on in life. You might also find that items on these lists overlap. If so, then you might want to get those that appear on multiple lists onto just one of your lists for clarity sake. Finally, I think the most important tip is to set the ground rules that everyone’s opinion counts. Just because someone says something contradictory to the way the rest of the family responds doesn’t mean that they’re wrong – they just see things differently.

This is an important bonding time with your family. Enjoy it and have fun!

Application Question – Would you feel comfortable talking through this with your family? What approaches can you take to undo some of the bad culture that might already be in place? Your comments are welcome below.

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As Seen Through Your Child’s Eyes

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Imagine that you’ve just gotten off of an airplane in a different part of the world that you’ve never experienced. All of the people, things, places, that you encountered were a new adventure waiting to be explored. That’s as close as we can get to understanding what it’s like to be your child. They come into this world as a blank slate and everything they experience is a new impression on them.

Think for a few minutes with me about how your child sees the world. Can you imagine going back to the days when almost everything was a new learning experience? How did you figure it out? Mom and Dad. Your job as their parent is to teach your children what you want them to know. You teach them the names of things, how things are used, what sounds they make, and what is safe and what is not. They learn from you what things to eat and drink and what things to play with and avoid. They learn what appropriate language is and, if you use it, what inappropriate language is. Are you actively showing your child the differences?

Your children learn how to behave from you. Your kids see how you treat others, how you spend your time, your habits and mannerisms, and the way you talk. They learn emotion from what they see. Your child sees what it is like to be happy, sad, angry, excited, bored, and so forth. They learn what it means to be patient and when enough patience has been extended. They also learn how to hate from you, and how to love from you. Do you exhibit love, care, and compassion for others, or does your child see discord, conflict, and anger?

Your children learn relationships from you. It begins with your relationship with them, extends in the home to your relationship with your spouse and other children, and outside of the home to friends and family. Are you nurturing those relationships and giving them the time and attention that they deserve? They learn what it means to be selfish and to be giving from you. Which of these does your child see most?

Your child also gets morals and ethics from you; that is, you become their guiding compass. They pick up on right from wrong. They learn what hard work is supposed to look like. What you believe becomes what they believe; that includes religion and spirituality. Parents have been known to say they will let their child decide these things for themselves – is that really the responsible thing to do? Or, is it an excuse not to take them to church? If you don’t teach morals, ethics, values, and beliefs to them, there is a world full of people waiting to teach them. Do you want to leave it in their hands?

You are larger than life to your child. You are their whole world, and your responsibility for them is an awesome one. Be intentional in teaching and training them. Don’t leave it to chance that they will pick up the right things from the rest of the world.

Proverbs 22:6 – Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. (King James Version)

Application Question – Do you just assume that your children are learning the right things from you, or are you being intentional about it? Do you want them to see the real you or the you that others talk about?

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Do You Tolerate Backtalk and Eye-rolling?

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I remember when I was growing up that I didn’t ever argue with my parents. We just knew they were the authority and that what they said was the law. So where did this generation of eye-rolling, back-talking, whiny kids come from? Do they live in your house? How do you handle it? I’m reading a book lately on this topic and I’d like to hear your thoughts on this subject, as would my other readers.

First of all, I’m looking for ideas. We have this to some degree in our household and it’s tough to deal with at times. Most of the time my kids respond pretty well and are generally respectful. However, they have learned the art of negotiation and believe that they can use it with their parents as well. When the negotiation doesn’t go their way, that’s when the conversation can break down. Their language, tone, volume, and mannerisms then cross over into the land of being disrespectful. I’d like to figure out how to break this.

While I want my children to have their opinions, there is no place for disrespect of adults, either in school or in the home. My guess is that this is one of the primary problems that teachers face today – children who have no fear of retribution. I believe this stems from parenting. Parents whose children display this level of defiance are either apathetic because they’re too busy, or they are overly protective and defend their children against any and all accusations.

The book I mentioned at the outset is How To Unspoil Your Child Fast by Richard Bromfield, PhD. I picked it up a couple of weeks ago when it showed up on Amazon’s daily list of free Kindle books. He points out that several parenting strategies can lead to this type of behavior. See if you can identify with any of these: counting to three, time-outs, making promises, negotiating or dealing, responding to the whiny voice, bribing, and idle threats. The problem with these strategies, Bromfield says, is that in some cases we overuse them, and in other cases the strategy is just plain inappropriate. He also gives a list of symptoms that can help us identify if maybe we’re spoiling our child. A couple of not-so-obvious examples – you rationalize your child’s behavior, you explain yourself repeatedly, or your child ignores you.

So we have to do something; continuing to let your child behave in this manner keeps discontent running in your home and leads to a child that will struggle with interpersonal relationships into adulthood. Bromfield makes the argument that most parents today are either authoritarian (too much control) or permissive (too little control). The “sweet spot” is to become more authoritative parents – in control yet responsive and flexible. As I am reading through this book, I can see some of my own behaviors that I need to correct. I would recommend this quick read but only if you’re willing to admit that there might be a problem and that you, the parent, are ready to fix it.

So what are your issues? If you’ve had success in this area, what did you do? Teachers, please chime in here. How can parents help with their child’s behavior in school? What disciplinary actions and punishments seem most effective, and which ones have no effect at all? In my opinion, it takes a team effort to teach a child respect for adults, and the primary players on that team are the parents and their teachers.

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Building and passing on traditions

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Christmas is a time when we typically talk about traditions. Holidays are the perfect scenario where we learn how our parents and their parents have always done things, so it’s natural for us to model those ways and voila – traditions are born. Traditions can be great, especially in terms of the holidays. They give us a point of reference, a place that is safe and familiar, and they keep the past alive. But they aren’t just for the holidays, and in this post I hope to talk about how you can build some new traditions that your kids can carry on and be proud of.

Let’s start with a tradition of celebrating achievements. When our kids do great things, let them know it. You do so much for their self-esteem and pride when you acknowledge what they’ve accomplished. Do it for everyone in your household. It’s been a long time since many of us have  gotten a round of applause, for some not since we walked across the graduation stage. Be a cheerleader in your household!

Add in a tradition of spending time together. As adults we have busy lives and get caught up in the hectic day-to-day activities. Email, internet, Facebook, cell phones, cable TV and DVRs, and video games also give us places to live in isolation. There is nothing in the virtual space that compares to life in the physical world. Also, our children get busy with activities and friends so it is easy for their time to become a scarce and precious commodity as well. Create a tradition of eating dinner together four times per week, of going to church together on Sunday, of having family movie or game events one night per week, or maybe for taking walks together. The time investment will be invaluable for everyone involved.

Next, start the tradition of mutual respect. How much better would the conversations go in your household if everyone demonstrated mutual respect to one another? So often, our worst conversations take place within our own four walls. We will say things to our family that we would not dare to say to anyone else. Why does that need to be the case? If we eliminated interruptions, name-calling, insults, outbursts and absolutes from our conversations, and replaced those with active listening, clarifying questions, and words of affirmation, our homes would become a haven of peace. Our relationships would be galvanized, and our children would walk into the world and the classroom full of self-confidence and skills in how to treat others properly.

Finally, wouldn’t it be neat to have a tradition of doing nice things for those in our household? We all have our roles and our regular chores that we do in our homes, but we can find things to do for others that don’t cost anything. Maybe on their birthday someone gets their favorite breakfast, in bed. How about notes of encouragement inside of a lunchbox or notebook? Make a tradition of everyone saying something nice about a family member at one of your family meals each week. Have a “Dad/Mom for a Day” where a child gets to be in charge. On the low cost scale, you can bring home their favorite snack food as a treat, or you can buy a bunch of flowers or greeting card for no occasion whatsoever.

What if these traditions took hold in our homes? How much different would our own part of the world be? I need to do as much work on this as anyone I know, so this is an idea list and not a list that I’ve been good at putting in practice. Because we see them more and know them better than anyone else, it is very easy to take our own family for granted. Let’s not forget the Golden Rule when dealing with those we love the most.

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How to ace the Interview

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For scholarship applications, we’ve covered where to look for scholarships and how to apply for scholarships.  We’ve covered what to include in activities and organizations, we’ve talked about the essay and how to get the best references and letters of recommendations.  The last component that you might encounter in the scholarship process is the interview.  This can be a tough one.  The interview is intended to see how you think on your feet.  It gives the scholarship selection committee a look at more than words on a page.  It is your chance to leave an indelible, memorable impression on them, both good and bad.  Most people dread the interview, so if you’re at least a little apprehensive then you’re in good company.  Let’s spend a couple of minutes talking about how you can maximize your time in front of the selection committee.

As with the essay, it is very important to understand what I’ll call the environmentals of the interview.  Make sure you understand when and where the interview is scheduled.  If you are required to confirm your appointment, be sure to handle that as soon as possible.  Be sure to bring copies of your application, essay, or anything else that the committee requests; depending on the type of scholarship the committee may want to see examples of your work.  If those are required to be sent in advance, be sure that you understand the requirement and get those submitted well in advance of their due date. 

Next, we’ll talk about prepping for the interview itself.  Much talk and debate has been made over how to dress for the interview.  Because you can never be quite sure what the committee is looking for, be sure to dress in conservative business or Sunday school attire.  Men should wear a coat and tie; ladies should wear a dress or business-appropriate skirt or suit, and clothes should be neat, clean, and pressed.  You may be a very expressive person and normally adorn yourself with wild fingernail polish and hair color, displaying all sorts of body jewelry and art.  As for the interview, though, it is best to leave all that at home.  Regardless of your credentials or what’s accepted amongst your peers, the selection committee will form an impression of you the moment you walk in the door.  If you look and act like a professional then you’ll be taken more seriously.  You aren’t compromising your values in doing so, and nobody will come and check up on you after you’ve been awarded the scholarship.  Eat lightly before the interview and be sure to go to the restroom just before you go in.  Drink water instead of caffeinated products prior to the interview to avoid dry-mouth.

At the interview itself, there are things you can do to tilt the interview in your favor.  Use proper manners; a firm handshake, yes/no sir/mam, looking them in the eye, and thank you will make an impact on your interviewers.  Wait to take a seat until your hosts have taken theirs, and don’t slouch.  Keep a smile and a pleasant demeanor; you don’t have to look like a sullen teenager.  When answering questions, think about telling a story to the committee.  The panel wants to hear from you and understand who you are, so this is the opportunity to be yourself.  Avoid yes and no answers; give them enough information to get to know you as a person.  It’s my belief that they will be more impressed that you take a stand on a particular topic rather than dance around the subject without committing to an answer.  There are no right or wrong answers in the interview; it is not a test.  Be polite, but be yourself.  The more conversational you can be in your responses, the more comfortable you will be in the interview and the more at-ease you’ll make the panel feel.  Interject humor where appropriate, but never be disrespectful of self-deprecating and avoid anything, humor or otherwise, that would be considered crude or in bad taste.  If your mom would be embarrased by you saying it, then it’s probably best to leave that out.  And above all, avoid swearing.  Those words immediately destroy your credibility.

Once the interview is over, thank the panel for their time and their consideration.  Write (don’t email) a thank-you note the same day and put it in the mail to them.  To help you improve for future interviews, make notes of what you think went well and what you could have done better.  Once the final selections have been made, ask your contact for the scholarship if you can receive any feedback from the panel.

You will be faced with many interview opportunities throughout your life.  This is a very important step in your scholarship search, but it is more of a dry run for these crucial events which you’ll face down the road.  With proper preparation, you’ll place yourself well ahead of the rest of the applicants.

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