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Parenting and The New Supermom

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The term supermom has become a badge of honor for some moms. In an effort to do it all, they attempt to balance work, home, a social life, personal time, relationship building, time with kids, hobbies, and other things. But as many have discovered, this is not how to parent effectively. These moms, as heroic as their intents may be, collapse exhausted into bed each night and try again the next day. I believe there may be a better way.

Mom’s most important job is her kids, no question in my mind. But to both parent effectively and live a full, rich life is a daunting proposition. If a mother forsakes everything besides parenting and places that role above all else, her health and well-being will suffer. In addition, her relationships can suffer as her identity becomes tightly integrated with those of her children. Mom needs these other activities in her life to maintain her physical and emotional health.

With this in mind, I have a few suggestions that will help Mom maintain her status as supermom and improve these other areas of her life. Some of these come from Dr. Meg Meeker’s book, The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers, available from Amazon at no additional cost to you on my Resource page.

Implement the principle of batch processing. Instead of trying to do a little bit of all these things each day, pick and choose things that don’t need daily attention. Take those things and carve out a time, maybe once a week, once or twice a month, or whatever makes sense and defer those activities till then. Maybe this is hobby time, or time with your girlfriends, but there simply isn’t enough time in the day to do all of these things.

Offload some of the burden onto Dad. Dad is part of the equation too and he knows how to parent and take care of your kids. Set aside some of that time for yourself and let Dad be involved in the kid’s lives. The more Dad does with the kids, the more they will respect and look up to him.

But pay close attention to your relationship with Dad. Someday you and your husband will be alone once your children all leave home. Be sure to nurture your relationship with him. Speaking from the husband’s perspective, we are generally low maintenance so it doesn’t take a lot, but we like to feel respected and appreciated.

Some days will be better than others. I face this same issue at work. There are times I leave the office at the end of the day feeling like I’ve conquered the world and there are other days when I feel like an abysmal failure. I am sure that mothers feel the same way sometime and bear the weight of the world on their shoulders as a parent. Hang in there and persevere, and don’t let one bad day (or string of days) define who you are as a mother. Whatever remains incomplete today will be there tomorrow.

Network and find like-minded friends. Nothing is more discouraging than having friends who criticize your every move or more frustrating than sharing your challenges with your single, childless friends. Find one or two ladies with similar family situations who will support you, encourage you, and hold you accountable when you need it the most.

Take a breather. Moms need margin in their lives. Incorporating some down time as a parent is critical to better living. By emptying your schedule and ignoring the to-do list, you create opportunities to just enjoy life and be there in the moment. And don’t overlook the value of a good night’s sleep. Your health depends on it.

These are my ideas for Mom on better parenting without feeling like you have to do it all. In short, a balanced life doesn’t require that all areas of your life need attention every day. But over time, a nice balance needs to exist for all parents to have a meaningful, fulfilling life. I know you guys have other principles that have worked well for you. What are your thoughts and ideas?

Application Question: Do you feel like Supermom? Do you think that you have to do everything in order for it to be done correctly? Are other areas of your life suffering as a result?

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Can You Hear Me Now?

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We live in a world full of noise. In that noise it can be difficult to be heard so we shout louder and louder. It isn’t just the physical noise either. Online there are so many feeds and channels of information that it is easy to get overwhelmed. Beyond the din of all this noise is the lost art of listening. At home, we can lose track of listening just as easily as if we’re in a room full of people. This can have a profound impact on your family and negatively impact your professional career. In this post we’ll talk about how to restore good listening habits.

The most meaningful conversations are had when uninterrupted conversation takes place. Turn off the television, put down the magazine or newspaper, and step away from the computer. Switching over from call waiting or responding to new messages on your cell phone during a conversation sends a message to your spouse or child – whatever is interrupting the conversation is more important than they are. Even if you don’t switch over, just by checking you send the subtle message that something else might be more important than the conversation that you’re having. Intentionally put yourself in a position that you can have an uninterrupted conversation.

Find a quiet place where you can have a conversation. When others are around or a lot of background noise is present, it is easy to slip into a form of shouting which becomes uncomfortable after a couple of minutes. You’ll also find yourself straining to hear the other party. Sometimes privacy is required also, in which case you should be sure that others aren’t around to hear and that you maintain the confidentiality of the conversation.

Use active listening techniques. Active listening involves rephrasing what you just heard into your own words before responding. It lets your conversation partner know that not only do you hear their words but that you’re also applying thought to what you’re hearing.

Ask open-ended questions. When you stick with simple yes and no answers, pretty soon that’s just what you’ll get from your child. Make sure that your questions require some thought, and follow up any response that seems like there is more to be said with another question.

Resist the urge to correct or give your opinion, especially if not asked for. Even if you’re right, when you constantly correct someone or provide an opinion then you begin to stifle their side of the conversation. Your words shape the conversation, and by correcting or giving opinions the talk becomes more about you.

Closely related to this is that we should not provide a solution unless one is asked for. This can be a tough one for guys since we like to be problem solvers. Sometimes, especially for our kids, it is best to let them talk their way into an answer. You won’t always be there to solve their problems so let your children get some practice at arriving at their own solutions.

Go deep. It is very easy to have the same conversations over and over. In general these are nothing more than pleasantries like “How was your weekend” or “How is the family” to which we always have the same answer. Have meaningful conversations that give both of you the chance to get beyond the surface and develop more substantial relationships.

With all of the noise that’s out there, it is easy to hear many things. However, hearing is not listening. Our mothers always told us we have two ears and one mouth for a reason. Give those who you communicate with the proper attention and respect their words deserve by listening more than speaking.

Application Question – Do you converse with an open mind and attentive ear? Does your spouse or child have your undivided attention when you talk with them? What one thing can you do this week to improve your conversation skills?

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Teacher and Parent Communication – Don’t Wait Till It’s Too Late

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I’ve written several posts on the parent/teacher/student relationship. This unique triangle is rather specific to the K-12 learning environment. Without proper care and feeding of that relationship, things can get off track rather quickly with your child. I’m speaking from experience here, so read on for my story and what to do about it.

By virtue of not being present in the school, the parent is in a position where they are on the outside looking in. We expect our children to accurately share what is happening in their classrooms, and we expect timely updates from their teachers. For busy teachers and children who are struggling this might not be the case. The kids may not want to share bad news, and the teachers expect that the kids share everything at home. Here is where the parent gets lost.

One of my kids is that struggling child. He struggles because he would rather socialize with his friends in school instead of doing the work. We know this because he brings home little to no homework and his online grade reports show several zeroes (By the way parents, zero on homework or classwork indicates no effort, which is not the teacher’s fault). Consequently, we seem to get to the end of a grading period and make a mad scramble to get his grades to an acceptable level.

So, needless to say we haven’t had the best luck with this, which tells me that I need to do a better job with the teachers. As I wrote in a previous post, “trust but verify” is the right approach to take when you have a kid that might not be forthcoming with his schoolwork. When we have been successful, there are a few common themes that seem to recur, and those are listed below.

We have been the most successful when we’re able to get the teacher’s email address and their phone number who will cooperate in an ongoing dialog. By having direct access to the teacher, any communications that might be lost  between the classroom and the living room can be confirmed. The information that parents get from direct communication tend to settle any disputes over assignments that are due or performance in the classroom.

Ask for a conference with your child’s teachers. This gives you a more in-depth chance to talk about what might be going on in the classroom. If your child has multiple teachers and you begin to hear the same things from each of them, you might begin to zero in on some underlying behavior or problem common to all classes.

The next most effective approach is to have the website where the teacher posts any coursework or information. By having the website, we can gain access at home to the most recent assignments and ask to see that the work has been completed. If your teacher will post homework on the day that it is assigned, then you can encourage your child to do that work before it is past due. On the other hand, a teacher’s website is only reliable if it is regularly updated.

We have used an agenda for an older child. In our experience these have been limited to use in elementary school and junior high, then the teachers expect the high school students to write down their own assignments. We’ve even had our son’s teachers sign his agenda to verify that they have seen it and that the written assignments are correct. It might be a little embarrassing to your child, but maybe that’s the spark they need to take some responsibility.

Most schools have another website where the actual grades are posted. These can be good to have as well, but our experience has been that some teachers wait till the end of the grading period to put in grades. By then, it is too late to help your child recover.

In summary, building those relationships with your child’s teachers through ongoing communication is the most likely avenue to success. What you don’t know about you cannot fix, but you also cannot ignore the problems. Teachers are much more likely to work with parents who pay attention and get involved than those who do not. You owe it to your child to know what is going on in their classroom and to help them through their struggles.

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How Not To Do Relationships – Lessons from the Presidential Primaries

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In Alabama we just had our primary elections. At least five times a day for the last two weeks the phone rang in my home with a recorded campaign message or the perky voice of some bright young intern asking for my vote. My mailbox has been slammed with political junk mail. I thought my number was on the do not call list, but I guess that doesn’t apply to the lawmakers. Nevertheless, I’m personally glad to see that the election is over; now our phone will quit ringing in the middle of dinner. There’s an important lesson from this that we can teach our children, but give me a minute to rant first.

No matter who is elected for office, whether it’s the President all the way down to city councilman, they will never call my home phone again. Although these elected officials are meant to serve and represent the interests of the voters that placed them in office, the reality is that once they get into office they are no longer interested in reaching out to the people. They think they know what their electorate needs, but they won’t reach out to us. The closest thing they do is run the occasional public opinion poll to see what the people think about the job they are doing.

I think that politicians, if they were truly interested in serving the people, would find out what the people want. Instead of campaign stops where they tout their agenda, why aren’t they holding focus groups of their customers, the voters? The best and brightest companies are constantly on the prowl to unearth the pain points that their customers are experiencing. The worst companies talk at their customers and put corporate interests first, complicate the customer interactions with red tape, and hide behind policies and procedures built to protect the company rather than serve the customer. In short, great companies are always looking outward while poor companies are always looking inward. It’s all about relationship, and politicians are no different than companies.

It is no wonder that voter apathy is at an all-time high. Because none of the politicians care to connect with the people, nobody gets excited about any of the candidates. The candidate gets what they need and they move on – hence, the phone calls, TV ads, and junk mail stops. If anyone has ever been asked by a politician what their needs are, I would love to hear it.

What lesson can we take from this and share with our kids? It is that you can’t get very far in life if you don’t build quality relationships, which takes time. I think that the invasive phone calls and junk mail asking for me to do something for them, when they haven’t taken the time to ask what they can do for me, is a direct indication of how much value the politician places on their relationship with me. Now I know that the elected official cannot possibly know every voter than they represent, but I have not seen any examples of any politician doing this to any extent. While I personally don’t need anything from my politicians, it would be nice to know that they really cared for something other than my vote.

For our kids, they need to learn that relationships behave a lot like bank accounts. Before you can make a withdrawal, you have to make some deposits. Likewise, before your kids can ask someone for something significant, they must have spent time investing in that relationship. The same thing goes for offering advice; unless you have an established relationship with someone then you have not earned the right to speak into their lives. The old saying goes that “Nobody cares what you know until they know that you care.” Teach your kids this valuable lesson because nobody makes it through this life alone.

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Seven Habits to Improve Your EQ

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In my last post, I went out on a limb in saying that I think Emotional Quotient (EQ) is much more important for success than Intelligence Quotient (IQ). I have had several personal and online comments and shares since I released that post, and everyone that has taken the time to comment agrees with my assessment. I want to use this post to give parents some tips on how to recognize the traps that can lead to a low EQ and ideas on how to improve EQ in themselves and in their children.

As parents, it is very easy to fall into the trap that our children must excel in school and we do what we can to help them meet those objectives. I think it is less common for parents to build on their children’s EQ. If we are not intentional about it, our children that are intellectually advantaged can become victims of an inhibited EQ.

These bright children tend to become very self-sufficient because it is their nature to figure things out on their own and not rely on others. Their interests can set them apart from the other children in school as they get involved in different activities. Other kids separate from them because these are the kids who seem to have it all together become the “nerds” or the “teacher’s pet” and peer pressure makes them outcasts from the crowd. Even at home, we can become complacent when our intelligent children take care of their own homework. These kids make it easy on us so we use the time we would have otherwise spent with them to tend to our other kids or household needs. As these circumstances continue, your intelligent child becomes more isolated and self-reliant, and less interaction with people works against EQ. Fortunately, if you recognize this, there are things you can do to help your child avoid this situation.

One of the renowned experts in the field of human relationships has a lot to say that can improve your EQ. Dale Carnegie, author of How To Win Friends and Influence People, has advice that is as important today as when the book was first published in 1936. Early in the book, Carnegie talks about how everyone has within them a deep and burning desire to be great. That can only be validated by how others regard them and treat them. He further goes to say that there is only one way to get anybody to do anything you want – give them what they want. This is a fundamental lesson for EQ – make others feel great and they are much more likely to help you in any way they can.

The habits from this book and from my own observations that you can use to making others feel special (and thus improve your EQ) are:

  1. Become genuinely interested in others. Ask questions and talk about what’s important to them.
  2. Smile. It doesn’t cost anything and it makes you much more attractive.
  3. Learn the names of others and speak it often. People appreciate when you know who they are.
  4. Listen more than you speak. If you dominate the conversation it becomes obvious that you are more interested in yourself than in others.
  5. Encourage others to talk about themselves and ask questions about them and their interests.
  6. Give praise and appreciation for help that others give you. Conversely, provide help and assistance without expectation of reciprocity.
  7. This one’s from me and isn’t in the book – put aside the computer, cell phone, or other internet device and have a real conversation with someone. Instant communication pathways have done more to damage personal communications skills than any other invention throughout the course of history.
  8.  One bonus tip… put away distractions when you are conversing with someone. Giving your undivided attention to someone conveys the message that they are your top priority.

I titled this blog “Seven Habits” because these are not one-time activities. As a person who is a natural introvert, I find myself having to be intentional with these habits. Teach yourself and your child these habits over and over, and model them for your children so they can see them in action. Over time, your investment in this will pay off huge dividends for you and your child. What are other habits that you’ve seen work to improve EQ?

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The Three-Legged Stool

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As the title of this post suggests, a natural triangle is formed between parent, teacher, and student. There is a very high correlation between the student’s level of success in school and the strength of the interpersonal relationship between parent, student, and teacher. The more each party is invested in the relationship, the better the outcomes. The following figure depicts the dynamics of this unique relationship.

Parent/Student/Teacher dynamic

As parents, I believe we hold the most leverage in making this relationship successful. Both the teachers and the students “must” be in the relationship because of their role. By virtue of being in school together each day, a relationship is forged whether good or bad. Parents, however, choose how much they want to be involved. I’ve heard both teachers and students ask “…if the parent doesn’t care, then why should I care?” We’ve all known parents who are disengaged, students who don’t apply themselves, and teachers who are just going through the motions.

You can see at the center of this diagram that each of the three circles overlaps at an area labeled “Balanced”. This is the sweet spot where the ideal levels of interactions take place between teacher, parent, and student. Note that if you move the big circles closer together that the “Balanced” area gets bigger. Though these circles will never converge because everyone is different, the idea is to make sure that the dynamics of this three-pronged relationship remain in harmony. If anyone in this group begins to operate under their own agenda, then the further they pull from the other two in the relationship.

The interesting parts of this picture are the football-shaped ovals where two of the three circles overlap. You’ll notice how I labeled these – home-centric, adult-centric, and school-centric. I believe that the interactions between the two parties that fall into each of these ovals can either enhance or compromise the relationship of the trio. Parents, where we have these interactions with either our child or with their teacher, we must consider how our responses will support the third party while at the same time building on the relationship at large. Talking bad about a teacher to your child or making excuses for your child to their teacher does nothing to strengthen their relationship. You, as parent have the unique perspective of knowing the qualities and tendencies of your child and understanding the challenges of looking at the child’s world through an adult set of eyes. You, my friend, can make all the difference in this relationship.

I see this unique relationship triangle as a three-legged stool. Remove any of the three legs and the stool falls over. Parents, it is time for us to step up and engage this relationship. Where possible, aim your interactions about school at the center of the diagram but at all times understand and respect all parties in the relationship.

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Go with the flow or hold steady?

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As parents, your child looks to you for everything. How you do things, how you respond to things, how you treat others, your habits good and bad, all are subject to consumption, inspection, and scrutiny by your child. Often our responses in crucial situations dictate how our child’s character will develop down the road. When faced with a situation, do you go with the flow and be the cool parent or stick to your principles?

In some cases, we need to be flexible and adapt. Technology is a prime example of where we can bend and flex to meet our children’s desires and help us keep them safe. A cell phone is a prime example. You may cringe at your child having a phone, but most providers today give you the ability to add GPS tracking to your phones. How cool would it be to know where your child is at all times? You can if you adopt these technologies. They get a phone, you have a means to reach them, and you also know where they are.

In other cases, you need to stand strong. Your child may want to play mature-rated games, they may want to have a later curfew, go to a party that everyone is attending, and so on. This is no time to be the cool parent. Let your instincts guide you, especially you mothers. It will be tough at times. Your child will have many compelling reasons why they should be allowed to go or do these things and peer pressure is often their guiding motivation. They will also be angry with you when they can’t go or do what they’ve asked.

You’ll be tempted to give them a little rope and see how they handle it. In my mind, this is a bad move. Your child also notices how consistent you are in the way that you treat them, and once you introduce inconsistency then it’s very hard to put that back in the box. Every time you are faced with this scenario, your child will remind you of the time that you let them do this before. Stay strong, and stay consistent.

I read a beautiful illustration of this principle in Seth Godin’s “Poke the Box” but I’ll use it differently than he did. In the rushing river is a log wedged into the riverbed. All around it there is constant motion and change, and as things flow by that log in the river the water and turbulence is particularly high around the log, but it never moves. As your child rushes down the flowing river of their life, if things get out of control then you hope that the log is there for them to grab onto. You, acting as their constant, their rock, their log in the river, can be the rescue that they grab onto as they are rushing down that river toward the waterfall. Be your child’s parent. Both you and your child have more than enough friends to get through life without compromising that relationship.

 

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Sibling rivalry

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Sibling rivalry is a natural occurrence among brothers and sisters of any age.  As children, we like to test our competitive side against others of our own age, so what better way to do this than with those in our own house?  A degree of sibling rivalry can be healthy – it helps them define who they are as individuals and distinguish themselves as separate from their brothers and sisters.  But sibling rivalry can be destructive too, and if managed incorrectly or even aggravated by parents, it can lead to permanently damaged relationships and resentment between brother and sister.  You might ask how this plays into the Affluent Student principles - I believe it can be significant; let’s look below.

One of the traps that parents can fall into is comparing school performance between children.  In particular, when the oldest child is a high-achiever in school it is easy to assume that their brothers and sisters will be just as good in school.  When they aren’t (and often that is the case) it is easy to make comparisons in the hopes of motivating the younger sibling.  Unfortunately this almost never works.  The “underperforming” child feels resentment towards their sibling, and may feel like their parent’s love for them is based upon good grades.  To further distinguish themselves from their high-achieving sibling, they may react in just the opposite way than you had hoped for and do even worse in school.  The situation can be aggravated in school as well by other children who may brag on their own accomplishments while your child is frustrated.  This one is much harder to control, but fortunately these children don’t live in the same home as your child.  Teachers and administrators typically don’t have this problem because they have to conform to an ethics and privacy standard, so they are restricted from discussing individual student results with other students.

So, what strategies can we employ as parents to minimize sibling rivalry driven by academic achievement?  Here are a few things that can help:

  • Discuss grades in private with each child.  Their brothers and sisters don’t need to know if they are struggling.
  • Never talk about your other child’s grades or behaviors in school, nor use them as an example.  This only frustrates the child who is having problems.
  • Keep calm and avoid adjectives.  You say “It’s stupid to lose your homework” but your child hears “I’m stupid”.  Children are very sensitive so be very careful how you talk to them.
  • Work to give your children equal attention and affection.  Never withhold or over-extend one or the other based on academic prowess.
  • Maintain relationships with all of your children’s teachers as equally as possible.  Spending more time with one and less time with others sends a signal to your child.
  • For your high-achievers, don’t ignore them just because they are able to handle school on their own.  Let them know that their work and accomplishments are important to you.
  • Focus on each child’s strengths.  For the things that they have done well, praise and celebrate them.
  • Don’t ask your other children to help tutor their weaker sibling.  Children in the same household have a hard time accepting help from one another, and it appears to your struggling child as if you’re sending in “the smart one” to make them get better. 
  • Avoid rewarding and punishing based on school results alone – focus on the behaviors that lead to those results.  If a child is doing all of the right things but always struggles in a subject, it is very disheartening to them to be punished for their best efforts.

Parents hold the key to building high quality relationships between their children.  Doing what you can to combat sibling rivalry is the single most important thing you can do to nurture those relationships.  Celebrate each child’s individuality and unique gifts and talents, and avoid the temptation to place them all in the same category.

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Strengthen your teacher’s bond with your child

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What better way to give your child a leg up in school than to help them bond with their teacher?  If you think back to your childhood, there were probably one or two teachers who stood out in your mind as your favorites.  Either they inspired you or challenged you to do better, but in all cases you’ll probably agree that you genuinely liked those teachers better than all others.  That affinity was built on the relationship and bonding that your teacher was able to establish with you.  It’s no different today.  Let’s look at a couple of ways that you can help build this relationship.

You know your child better than anyone else does.  You understand their personality, their likes and dislikes, their mannerisms when they are tired, agitated, angry, or confused.  You know what discipline works on them and what does not.  Feel free to share these things with your child’s teachers.  It might feel like you are making excuses for your child or asking for special concessions, but you’ll know the difference.  If you ask for them to be treated differently, that’s OK – your child is an individual.  If you ask for them to be graded differently or to be excused for not turning in some work, that’s not OK – your child had the same opportunity as all the others to do the work.

In elementary school it is much easier for this bond to be built because your child spends the majority of their day with the same teacher.  In middle and high school, it’s different just because the teachers don’t see them all day long and because they see so many kids throughout the day.  They don’t have full exposure to the subjects that your child struggles with, so it is extremely important to communicate regularly with all of their teachers in both middle and high school.  When talking about your child, stick with the guidelines above to know when you’re crossing the line with their teachers.  Let your questions drive the conversation – if you’ll just ask open-ended questions and listen you’ll learn so much about your child.

It’s very tempting when your child is busy with activities to ask for extra credit or makeup opportunities.  While it is OK to do that for legitimate reasons (such as they were simply absent from school), please avoid the resistance to do this especially during the later grades.  Encourage your child to talk to their teacher and work through any issues or difficulties that they are having.  Besides the educational learning that takes place in school, there is a social aspect which takes place where a child learns how to deal with authority, to be responsible for their own outcomes, to develop and maintain mutual respect, and so on.  By intervening too much as a parent, you can give your child several wrong messages – that they can miss deadlines and still be OK, that you’ll be there to rescue them when they are in trouble, or that they can defy authority.  Sometimes it is best to let them slip up and pay the consequences.

Talk to your children favorably about their teachers.  Encourage them to befriend their teachers.  Contrary to what your child may believe, the vast majority of teachers want them to succeed.  Most all teachers entered the profession because they have a heart for children and a desire to see them become their very best.  At some point down the road, your child may need to leverage the relationship that they formed with one or more teachers.  If nothing else, your child needs to learn how to build relationships so please do whatever you can to build those favorably.

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A strong bond

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This post is for married parents of school-age children (and children of all ages).  One of the traps that society today has set for us is the myth of the easy-in, easy-out marriage.  The common thought is that if this marriage doesn’t work out, I’ll find someone who will make me happy.  Divorce is never that simple, and its complexities are increased tenfold when children are involved.  Divorce leaves an indelible mark on children that affects every aspect of their lives.  God designed marriage as the union between man and wife, and children as the gift to parents to raise together.  No matter how well you think you might cooperate in divorce, the fact that two adults are on a separate journey will always lead to conflict that has, as it’s common bond, a child in the middle.

Children feel safest when their parents are together.  Each parent offers a unique quality, a different kind of love, and a personal relationship with their child that is significantly weakened when the parent is absent.  It is believed by many that some of the childhood behavioral disorders are aggravated by the strain of separation.  Even if they appear unaffected on the outside, no child is immune.  They undoubtedly grow further apart from the non-custodial parent.  Sometimes they are forced to choose between parents, which is never a fair situation to put them in.  Generally, the economic condition in one parent’s home changes significantly which creates stress that the child feels.  They can also feel guilty about the divorce, believing that they were the cause or that if they did something differently then their parents would be together.  This can lead to low self-esteem.

We all know someone who has gone through the trials of divorce or separation.  I personally have been there.  If you are there, this is not a guilt trip nor an indictment of your situation because all we can do is grow and learn from our past.  Sometimes it is inevitable when one cheats on or abuses the other spouse, and nobody should remain in such a situation.  However, marriage is tough.  We all grow as adults and things change.  Goals, dreams, desires come and go.  Jobs, houses, possessions are material and temporary.  Sometimes one mate will fail the other one, expectations will be unmet and feelings will be hurt.  But a marriage is intended to be permanent.  It is a bond between man and woman, a lifelong contract that is not to be taken lightly.  It is the most important relationship you will ever form on this earth.  We should never run for the door just because things look greener on the other side.

Marriage is all about compromise, it’s about love and respect, it’s about give and take, it’s about forgiveness, it’s a commitment.  Teach your children the value of that relationship by example, and hold tight to one another.  You can do everything else that I write about in the Affluent Student, but if you will do this it is the greatest gift that you can give your child.  One day when they have graduated and become adults, you are left alone with each other.  Remember why you married in the first place and go back to that.  Do what it takes to keep your family together.  Work on your marriage so that you can be the best that you can be for your children – you owe it to them, you owe it to your mate, and you owe it to yourself.

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