Archives For parents

A Father’s Day Gift For The Entire Family – Love and Respect

— 2 Comments

All You Need Is Love – a classic song from The Beatles.

Cool song, but they were only half right.

I just finished Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, which you can find on my Resources page. Often we look for parenting books to help us with our parenting skills. This is one that you need to add to your reading list, and one which both husband and wife would benefit from reading. How will you benefit and your parenting skills improve?

  • Your relationship with your spouse will improve.
  • Fights will become fewer and less frequent.
  • The way your spouse treats you will improve.
  • You will learn what your spouse needs to hear.
  • You will learn why this is important (hint – it’s not about you or your spouse).
  • Your children will learn from your example how they should treat their mates.
  • You both will learn how to improve your relationship with your children.

The core message from the book comes from Ephesians 5:33, which talks about the wife’s need for love and the husband’s need for respect. That’s part of the differences between men and women. It’s how we’re wired, part of our DNA. God gives us the guidance here that our needs are different. Even if you don’t believe in the Bible, the principles are still the same.

In my opinion, it’s why women are the huggers, the conversationalists, and the natural caregivers. And, it’s why men are wired to compete, to defend and to serve, to need a conquest, and live by an honor code.

Dr. Eggerichs describes the “Crazy Cycle” that we can get trapped in as couples in this way.

Wife: Because he doesn’t show me love, it’s hard to give him respect.
Husband: Because she doesn’t respect me, it’s hard to be very loving.

Somebody’s got to make a move to break the cycle, and this book helps you identify how to do just that. This book is expertly crafted to give husbands a section that helps them build their loving skills and one for the wives to learn what it means to be respectful to their husbands. At the end, a couple of additional chapters help to wrap up the discussion and some great appendix material provides tools to reinforce the learning.

Over the last 50 years or so, society has done a great job in bringing gender equality to the limelight. In doing so, this one principle has all but disappeared, and it’s having a negative impact on families. Expecting men to react and respond in the same way that women react and respond simply emasculates the men of this generation, and feminizes the society as a whole. It’s no wonder that our children don’t honor and respect their fathers.

You might be thinking that your marriage is pretty good and that you don’t need this. Even so, your marriage is like a beautiful landscape. If you don’t tend to it, maintain it, and nurture it, pretty soon it will become a weed-infested jungle.

Aretha Franklin sang about R-E-S-P-E-C-T. She’s right that women need respect too, just as men need love. But the core need, the innermost desire is love for women and respect for men. If we meet these, the others will follow.

Ladies, if you want to give your husband a gift he’ll cherish this Father’s Day, pick up and read this book, and begin to recognize and act on his need for respect. It’s a gift that will bless your entire family.

Application Question – Do you meet your mate’s needs for love or respect? Do you feel like maybe sometimes you don’t connect with them? What one thing could you change in your response to your mate to meet their innermost desire?

Like this? Please like or share with your friends using the buttons below.

Want more? Use the Subscribe or Social Media widgets above.

Join today to receive my FREE e-book "Parent's Guide To College Savings"
Name: Email:
In Life Skills, Parenting Skills, Relationships , , , , , , , , ,
permalink

Seven Ways To Cure A Case Of The Wants

— 2 Comments

“Keeping up with the Joneses” used to be a popular phrase to describe the act of living up to someone else’s standards. While you don’t hear it uttered so often any more, that doesn’t mean it’s any less prevalent. Our kids in particular can get a case of the “I wants” at the drop of the hat. While it is human nature to want more, it can get out of hand. How to deal with the wants – read on to pick up seven strategies you may not have thought of.

If it’s something fairly costly, your best bet is to make them pay for the item. The old phrase is that they have “skin in the game.” Your child will think twice about their “need” for the item, and if they do buy it then they will take much greater care of it. This lesson also teaches them to save for what they buy; in the end, they just might decide that it isn’t worth having.

Don’t give in to bribes or negotiation. Our children can be master manipulators. They will give you the sweetest little face and promise you the moon if only you’ll get this one little thing for them. Further, be sure that you don’t bribe them to get what you want. Before you know it, you’ll be dealing with the union boss to get them to do anything.

Be on the same page with your spouse. If your child is accustomed to hearing no from you but can get a yes from your spouse, then that’s big trouble. Your authority is undermined, the relationship with your spouse is strained, and you become the “bad cop” to your child. Pretty soon, your child goes only to the parent that says yes all the time and the other parent’s effectiveness is diminished across the board.

Have them give away something in order to get something new. Children who have a lot can become greedy and selfish. Through their intentional act of choosing a toy or something else to give, they learn about charity and they get the message that their happiness is not found in things.

Be a good example in your home and follow these principles in front of your kids. Show discipline and restraint instead of pulling out the credit card. Talk to them about your own wants and how you had to deal with that personally. If you send the message that you can have something anytime you want it, your kids pick up on this and expect the same for themselves.

Send the message that we don’t get something just because their friends might have it. A child who becomes accustomed to getting everything they want runs the risk of a life of discontent. Nothing seems to satisfy them and today’s toy becomes tomorrow’s attic food.

Give in every so often. I struggle with this one, but it’s just as important as the others. If all your child ever hears is no, when they ultimately have the freedom to make those choices on their own then they won’t deny themselves. Saying yes occasionally also just might make you a hero.

Help your child in this area to understand that we can’t have everything just because we want it. If they don’t learn this important lesson, then when they become adults then they’re bound to try and live the lifestyle that they’ve become accustomed to, just because the Joneses do. Impulse spending, buying beyond their means, and excessive credit card debt just might drive them back to your basement – and that’s not good for anyone.

Application Question – Do I keep a strong boundary between needs and wants? Do any of my children seem to have a problem with this? What message do I convey to them by my own actions in this area?

Please share your comments and thoughts below, share with others if you enjoyed this post, and be sure to visit the Contact Me page to find out more about our coaching services and offerings.

Join today to receive my FREE e-book "Parent's Guide To College Savings"
Name: Email:
In Financial, Life Skills, Parenting Skills , , , , , , , , , ,
permalink

Why Is It Important To Know Your Child’s Friends?

— 1 Comment

Remember when you were a child? You probably started out like the rest of us – your parents were the greatest things on earth and could do no wrong. As you entered school and the world around you, Mom and Dad lost their luster and the cool factor was found in your friends. It’s no different today; at some point your child will value time with their friends more than time with you. But you need to know what to look out for and know about their friends.

The most important thing to know, in my opinion, is that regardless of where you live or what you think, you cannot assume to know anything about what goes on in the homes of your child’s friends. I believe that if your child is going to spend any time in the home of their friends that you know the parents and even accompany your child for the first visit or two. They could be unwittingly exposed to something that can steal their innocence in a split second, and you’re left to deal with the aftermath. You would never trust just anyone with your money, so don’t trust just anyone with your kids. You know the adults that you like and trust, so you can steer your child to spend time with the children of those families.

Part of your child’s natural development is to absorb input and information from their surroundings and begin to develop ideas and opinions of their own. Normally, this is a healthy behavior if the right inputs are being absorbed. But children pick up on things from one another, and a friend who has differing values, religious views, morals and beliefs from yours can easily convince your child to see things in a way that you would not approve of. I’m not saying that you should brainwash your kids and turn them into little versions of yourself. However, knowing who they are hanging out with and where their influences are coming from should play a big part in your decisions about who they associate with.

Your kids are naturally curious, and sometimes their friends are eager to provide them with answers. While sometimes the answers will be technically correct, other times they will be very wrong. Whether right or wrong, you may not want your child exposed to this information from another child and maybe not at this particular stage in life. Knowing their friends can give you some idea of the types of conversations they have and whether you may need to intervene.

Beginning around the tween years, peer pressure begins to kick in. Your child’s desires to fit in may lead them to do things that their so-called friends cajole them into. Knowing your child’s friends can keep you on the lookout for this type of behavior and help you talk to your child about peer pressure.

To summarize, the steps you can take towards knowing that your child’s friends are a good influence are:

  • Target who you want your child to befriend
  • Know their parents
  • Visit with their parents
  • Observe your child with their friends in supervised play
  • Ask your child questions and answer their questions
  • Build your child’s self-esteem and they won’t seek it from others
  • Set clear expectations for your child
  • Let them see your moral code in action
  • When something feels wrong, it probably is – act on your child’s behalf

Outside of the home, nothing influences your child more than the interactions with their friends. During the school year, they spend as much waking time with their friends each day as they do at home, so it is important to know who they’re hanging out with. By intentionally guiding your child through the development of their friendships, you set them up for success in the development of their adult relationships.

Some other articles you might like on this topic:

The Buddy System: Are Your Child’s Friends a “Positive  Influence”?

Getting To Know Your Child’s Friends

When you dislike your kid’s friends

And related posts that I’ve written:

Go with the flow or hold steady?

Why Is Peer Pressure So Powerful on Teens

Does Your Teen Need a Curfew? Seven Reasons I Say Yes!

Computers and children

Chime in with your comments below or share if you like this post!

Application Question – Am I involved enough in my child’s interactions with their friends?

Join today to receive my FREE e-book "Parent's Guide To College Savings"
Name: Email:
In Elementary School, High School, Middle School or Junior High, Parenting Skills, Preschool, Relationships, Values Morals and Ethics , , , , , , , , ,
permalink

Homework – A Necessary Evil

— Leave a comment

Let’s all admit it – when your child comes home with a load of homework it can be draining. Between everything else we have to do after a hard day at work, there is little time left for this. Much debate has taken place over the value of homework, the right amount to be assigned, and the level of parental involvement required. However, one thing is for sure – homework that relates directly to the learning effort is necessary. We’ll explore why and ways to effectively manage the homework burden in your home.

I just met with a few of my son’s teachers yesterday. He is a great kid but simply is not motivated about school. One of the concerns is that he does not do classwork or homework if he does not enjoy the class. Consequently, his grades suffer. Our school system changed their grading criteria this year so that homework and classwork account for only 25% of their grade and assessments make up the other 75%. So, his thought is that all he has to do is excel on the tests and quizzes and he can pass. Mathematically, that is correct, but in reality it’s wrong.

The reality is that classwork and homework prepare you to do well on the assessments. Just like working out, training, and practicing conditions you to excel in your chosen sport, homework and classwork have the same effect. Whether it’s reading and studying for an exam, completing worksheets with practice questions, working out math problems or diagramming a sentence, these activities all constitute training for the associated test or quiz. Plus, teachers are already compressed for time and may not be able to cover the worksheet or reading in class, so they send it home. In that sense, I believe that homework is a necessity.

Homework gives you a chance to connect with your child. Instead of looking at it as a drudgery make it fun. Your child might hear your explanation of a problem and understand it better than they did in class. Or, they might get excited when you talk about the different possibilities for their project. Being involved in the completion of your child’s homework gives you a glimpse into their world and what your child is being taught.

What we’ve found is that the more intentional we are about homework the better our kids perform at home and in school. Some homework strategies that have worked for us, and that you might employ in your home are:

  • Create a place where homework is always done at home.
  • Work with them to identify a place in their notebook or binder to put completed homework.
  • Develop a routine for the afternoon (maybe snack, clothes change, homework then play or vice-versa) and stick with it.
  • Plan a time in the evening to help your child complete their homework, or if they’re the self-motivated type, review it with them and talk about their day.
  • Hold them accountable when things are missed and make them complete those tasks.
  • Praise, reward and compliment your child as they become more self-sufficient in this area.
  • If you have a complaint about the amount or appropriateness of the homework, consult your child’s teacher in private.

When your child knows what to expect, and what you expect from them, things tend to go a lot more smoothly. For some children, the homework burden will be greater on you than it is for others because all children are different. Support your child’s teachers and ensure that your children do their homework. In the long run, their grades will benefit and they will learn some life skills in addition to the knowledge they gain through the process.

Application Question – What one step can you take to tame the homework monster in your home?

Join today to receive my FREE e-book "Parent's Guide To College Savings"
Name: Email:
In Uncategorized , , , , , , , , , ,
permalink

Parents struggling to save for college – now there’s a news flash

— Leave a comment

You know, some things are just obvious. I doubt that we needed a study to tell us that parents are struggling to save for college. But, apparently someone had money to conduct a study so here goes. According to a study commissioned by Allianz Life of North America (who sells life insurance and annuities), one in four Americans have reduced or stopped their college savings plan. The article goes on to make recommendations on how to alleviate the pressures of saving for college. If you’d like to read the full article, you can find it here.

Let’s take a look at this. The article starts out with the presupposition that this situation is the economy’s fault. However, parents have always struggled to save and pay for college. The fact that the economy has been lackluster for the past three years is simply a coincidence. Honestly, each and every family has their own individualized micro-economy. While someone in the home next door may be out of work, their situation has little to do with what happens in your home. If 25% of Americans are slowing their savings rate, and 44% are not saving at all, that just doesn’t equate to a 9% unemployment rate and an inflation rate hovering around 3%.

I believe that the big reason that parents struggle is the debt load from other purchases that they’ve made. The average American household with credit card debt carries a balance of $15,799 as of May 2011, averaging 15% per year. That means that these households average paying over $2,300 per year in credit card interest alone. The average outstanding  balance on automobile loans is $12,902 and the interest rate averages 5% per year on a five-year loan, meaning that another $600 per year in interest is paid on vehicles. Another reason that parents struggle is that they are unwilling to sacrifice lifestyle. A family of four who eats out three times a week can spend $400 per month on eating out. If they reduce that time to once per week and buy additional groceries to eat at home, they could save an additional $200 per month or $2,400 per year. Those dollars spent on interest and lifestyle could be put towards college savings.

The recommendations that are outlined in the article make the assumption that the student has no obligation to pay for their college. I believe a student can actually put themselves through college, shocking as that may be. Even with no college savings, through careful college selection and an intentional work schedule, a student can still manage to pay for college without the assistance of savings or student loans. It won’t be Harvard, but unless you’re a doctor or lawyer then the school name behind your diploma doesn’t matter.

Parents always have struggled to save for college, and the vast majority always will. There are alternatives to those pointed out in the article and even in my blog post. The question is what will you do about it? If you plan to save at all for college, the most important thing is to create your plan and start as soon as possible.

Join today to receive my FREE e-book "Parent's Guide To College Savings"
Name: Email:
In Uncategorized , , , , , ,
permalink

What your child won’t learn in school

— Leave a comment

School has changed so much from when I was a student thirty-plus years ago. Back then, computers were only available in the dedicated computer lab. If a teacher had to show something to the entire class, she used an overhead projector and transparencies. If we were lucky, there was an 8mm movie on the subject or a Betamax tape that we could watch on the 13-inch television with rabbit ears. Even the copiers were old mimeograph machines (remember the blue ink?). You wrote all of your papers by hand or typed if you were lucky enough to have access to a typewriter. Research was actually done in the library and you wrote your notes on 3×5 notecards. I remember sorting through the microfiche and searching for articles that I needed for my paper. I even remember classrooms with radiator heating. We all walked to school and cell phones were non-existent. At least we had electricity and indoor plumbing.

Today, there are so many technological advances that make yesterday’s experience seem like a trip to the stone ages. Almost all of the buildings that were in existence back then would have been rebuilt or at least modernized and refitted with computer networks, cable or satellite television, video broadcast capabilities, and computers and printers in every classroom. A school without a website would be considered archaic. Teachers have more ways than ever to communicate with parents and post information about homework, grades, school activities, disciplinary issues and attendance, and much more. In some schools, classrooms have SmartBoards, iPads, laptops, electronic responders for every student, and more for instant feedback on how a class is going. Kids can even take some classes online. In the state of Alabama, graduation from high school now requires that the student have one distance-learning course. And the subject matter itself  – think of all the historical events and technical advances of the last 25 years. The educational world is a much different place.

No matter what changes come in school, some things remain the same. Whether you send your children to public or private school, they are there to learn the  academics. Decades ago, we called it the three Rs; reading; ‘riting, and ‘rithmetic. There are some things that your child just won’t learn as a formal subject in school, but are probably more important to their ultimate success in life than their grades or IQ score. Here are some that I can think of:

  • Morals and values
  • Ethics and right from wrong
  • Interpersonal relationships
  • Respect for others
  • Manners
  • Religious beliefs
  • Personal finance
  • Work ethic
  • Self-esteem and confidence
  • Decision-making
  • Motivation and a desire for excellence
  • Personal restraint and self-control
  • Prioritization and time management skills
  • Love
  • Charity and a giving spirit
  • Care and concern for others
  • Integrity
  • Humility
  • Good attitude
  • Discipline
  • Perseverance

I will bet my readers can come up with a hundred more of these. Being around others in school, your child will get the chance to practice these traits but they just won’t be taught in school. More often than not, it is the absence of these traits that gets the attention of teachers and principals in the form of a trip to the office or a call to the parents. Even in today’s sterile, isolated, online world, the traits listed above are timeless. Life is still about dealing with people, both personally and professionally. Parents should take steps to teach and model these traits through example, behavior modification, opportunities for a child to practice them, and so on. What would you add to this list?

Join today to receive my FREE e-book "Parent's Guide To College Savings"
Name: Email:
In Uncategorized , , , , , , , ,
permalink

October to-dos

— Leave a comment

October can be a pretty important month for those wishing to become an Affluent Student.  For everyone in elementary, middle, and high school, this is generally when the first official progress reports come out.  For college students, many of you will get your mid-term grades this month.  Hopefully the progress reports or midterm grades won’t be a surprise to anyone, but inevitably those official reports are the first time that many parents and students become aware of a performance issue.  I can assure you parents that your children know exactly how poorly they are doing.  Even if they can’t tell you their exact average in each class, they know if they’ve been doing the work and how well they’ve done on tests.  Now is an opportunity to make any necessary adjustments.  For those of you who are caught offguard, have those important conversations with your student and their teachers.  Make an appointment to see the teacher or talk to them on the phone; email really doesn’t give you the opportunity to capture the whole picture.  Sometimes just caring enough to reach out to the teacher will send the message to your child that their education is important to you.  Meet with the teachers during their work hours and don’t ask them to call you nights or weekends; the teacher has done their job so you need to meet them on their terms.  Whatever you learn about your student’s performance, go the extra mile to help them improve – don’t just cop out and ground them and tell them to do better.  It takes intentional parenting to make a positive difference in a child’s life.

For college-bound students, the ACT will be offered this month and the PSAT/NMSQT (used to qualify for the National Merit Scholarship program) is offered in October.  For all sophomores and juniors, I highly recommend taking the PSAT/NMSQT.  This exam is a great practice run for the SAT, but it is only offered in October of every year.  For juniors, everyone who takes the exam is entered into the National Merit Scholarship competition.  Based on the student’s selection as a National Merit semifinalist, finalist, or winner, most colleges have additional scholarship opportunities which are automatically awarded to incoming students that achieve this standing.

One last topic for high school seniors – the priority scholarship deadline for 99% of colleges is December 1.  In ordered to be considered for scholarships at any school, the student must be admitted to the university.  Be completing your applications so that this date doesn’t sneak up on you.

In short, October is one of the most beautiful months of the year and a host of activities and distractions can take parents and students away from their educational goals.  Be sure to stay connected and pay attention to these and other important educational priorities.

Join today to receive my FREE e-book "Parent's Guide To College Savings"
Name: Email:
In Uncategorized , , , , , , , , , ,
permalink

Playing the teacher

— Leave a comment

Home schooling is gaining in popularity over the past few years.  In the 1999 Census, an estimated 700,000 home school students were counted nationwide.  In a 2005 book entitled The Absolute Beginner’s Guide to Homeschooling, it was estimated that between 900,000 and 2,000,000 children nationwide were somewhere in the home school process.  The number (and growth rate) is likely even higher now since broadband is so widely available in homes and technology advances make online delivery much easier.  There are a lot of advantages of homeschooling.  Most importantly, the parents can structure the curriculum to fit their child’s needs and learning style.  There are also a few more challenges.  In the parent/student/teacher relationship triangle, the parent has to perform double duty.

This is not an article in support of or against home schooling.  Each family is uniquely qualified to make that decision in their homes.  Here are a few tips to think about if you are now home schooling or are considering starting.

1) Make sure that your reasons are in your child’s best interest.  Some folks will rationalize their home school decision because they believe all public schools are insufficient, that they are too expensive, that they are unsafe, etc.  Simply examine your motivations before making a commitment like this.  I recommend not doing it because you think it will be easier for you.

2) Understand the time commitment.  You’ll have to create and maintain your home school environment and do everything that the teacher has to do.  This includes lesson planning, delivery, homework and test creation and grading, progress reporting and tracking, and any administrative reporting to government agencies.  Multiply this by how many subjects and how many children you are teaching to get an idea of the time commitment.

3) Understand the monetary commitment.  Home school curriculums vary widely in content and in price, but none of them are free.  Again, depending on your child’s grade and the subjects to be taught, the expense can be significant.

4) Plan to be actively involved.  As mentioned above, there are a lot of great delivery methods for home schooling but you can’t simply put your child in front of the computer and let them proceed at their own pace.  You’ll also have outside experiences, field trips, and so on that allow you and your children to interact with other home schoolers.

5) Resist the urge to inflate grades or not hold your child accountable.  There are some valuable lessons that a child learns when they have assignments with due dates or upcoming test dates which requires them to manage their own time.  It will be very easy to let a due date slide or move a test till your child is prepared.  Let your kids know that you have high expectations for them, and when they miss the mark use that as a teaching opportunity for a life lesson.

6) Push your child.  No matter whether they are in public school, private school, or home school, you should inspire them to do better and to learn more.  As home school parents, you have an additional burden to teach them more.  When they master a module in a particular subject, move on to the next module instead of waiting till the right time on your schedule.  This ensures that the children get the most benefit from home schooling and has a vastly different experience than if someone else teaches your children.

7) Network with other home schoolers.  No man is an island, which means that no one person has all the answers.  Reach out to other home school parents, connect your children with them, and know what your “competition” is offering.  You’ll get a lot of great ideas from one another.  Particularly if you are considering home schooling, this is a great step to take to perform your research.

No matter your stance on this, all parents are home schoolers to some degree.  We may be the ones that teach the life lessons more than the educational lessons, but nevertheless don’t neglect that role.  I encourage you to explore your options and do your research to make the best possible decision and create the best experience for your child.

Join today to receive my FREE e-book "Parent's Guide To College Savings"
Name: Email:
In Uncategorized , , , , , , , ,
permalink

Summer reading programs

— 2 Comments

We’re at the Labor Day weekend and the official end of summer.  I remember vividly my summers as a child, biking to the library to get books for the summer reading program.  Each week I’d roll back into the library to get my next round of books and get my sticker for my weekly progress.  That was more than a few years ago, and a lot has changed since then.  Kids have so many more distractions available to them that reading while they’re out of school becomes the last thing they want to do. 

My wife spent the last two summers with our eight-year old taking her to the library so she could participate in the programs at our local library.  It has been a wonderful experience for my wife and daughter, and I’ve even had the pleasure on occasion to hear my daughter read aloud as she sings through the big words in the books that she’s tearing through.  It has boosted her comprehension greatly and has increased her interest in books and reading.  She eagerly awaits the release of the next “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” book, to which I say good for her.

Parents, encourage your children to participate in these programs.  Be an example by reading books yourself.  Don’t let another summer fritter away with your children hidden behind their XBox, iPod, or laptop.  You’ll open up their imagination and expand their horizons by immersing them in the world of books.

Join today to receive my FREE e-book "Parent's Guide To College Savings"
Name: Email:
In Uncategorized , , , ,
permalink