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Parenting and The New Supermom

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The term supermom has become a badge of honor for some moms. In an effort to do it all, they attempt to balance work, home, a social life, personal time, relationship building, time with kids, hobbies, and other things. But as many have discovered, this is not how to parent effectively. These moms, as heroic as their intents may be, collapse exhausted into bed each night and try again the next day. I believe there may be a better way.

Mom’s most important job is her kids, no question in my mind. But to both parent effectively and live a full, rich life is a daunting proposition. If a mother forsakes everything besides parenting and places that role above all else, her health and well-being will suffer. In addition, her relationships can suffer as her identity becomes tightly integrated with those of her children. Mom needs these other activities in her life to maintain her physical and emotional health.

With this in mind, I have a few suggestions that will help Mom maintain her status as supermom and improve these other areas of her life. Some of these come from Dr. Meg Meeker’s book, The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers, available from Amazon at no additional cost to you on my Resource page.

Implement the principle of batch processing. Instead of trying to do a little bit of all these things each day, pick and choose things that don’t need daily attention. Take those things and carve out a time, maybe once a week, once or twice a month, or whatever makes sense and defer those activities till then. Maybe this is hobby time, or time with your girlfriends, but there simply isn’t enough time in the day to do all of these things.

Offload some of the burden onto Dad. Dad is part of the equation too and he knows how to parent and take care of your kids. Set aside some of that time for yourself and let Dad be involved in the kid’s lives. The more Dad does with the kids, the more they will respect and look up to him.

But pay close attention to your relationship with Dad. Someday you and your husband will be alone once your children all leave home. Be sure to nurture your relationship with him. Speaking from the husband’s perspective, we are generally low maintenance so it doesn’t take a lot, but we like to feel respected and appreciated.

Some days will be better than others. I face this same issue at work. There are times I leave the office at the end of the day feeling like I’ve conquered the world and there are other days when I feel like an abysmal failure. I am sure that mothers feel the same way sometime and bear the weight of the world on their shoulders as a parent. Hang in there and persevere, and don’t let one bad day (or string of days) define who you are as a mother. Whatever remains incomplete today will be there tomorrow.

Network and find like-minded friends. Nothing is more discouraging than having friends who criticize your every move or more frustrating than sharing your challenges with your single, childless friends. Find one or two ladies with similar family situations who will support you, encourage you, and hold you accountable when you need it the most.

Take a breather. Moms need margin in their lives. Incorporating some down time as a parent is critical to better living. By emptying your schedule and ignoring the to-do list, you create opportunities to just enjoy life and be there in the moment. And don’t overlook the value of a good night’s sleep. Your health depends on it.

These are my ideas for Mom on better parenting without feeling like you have to do it all. In short, a balanced life doesn’t require that all areas of your life need attention every day. But over time, a nice balance needs to exist for all parents to have a meaningful, fulfilling life. I know you guys have other principles that have worked well for you. What are your thoughts and ideas?

Application Question: Do you feel like Supermom? Do you think that you have to do everything in order for it to be done correctly? Are other areas of your life suffering as a result?

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Thirteen Surefire Ways to Embarrass Your Teen

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Our children go through a strange and wondrous metamorphosis as they grow up. Besides the physical and intellectual changes, their relationship with us changes. Things that once caused belly-laughter in our kids turn into those moments that embarrass and even mortify our kids. Or, we do or say something in response to a normal parenting situation which causes our kid to squirm. How we handle our child’s reaction to those things can go a long way towards determining the overall environment in our homes. What happens between those times and why embarrassing moments are OK is the subject of this post.

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How Do I Know Where To Go If I Haven’t Been There Yet?

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My wife and I were discussing vacation plans this week, so Kami (my wife) asks our daughter Ashley where she would like to go on vacation. After mentioning the typical places that we have been to before, Kami asks her if there is any place she would like to go that she’s never been to. Ashley’s response became the title of this post – “How Do I Know Where To Go If I Haven’t Been There Yet?”

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Dad, I Need Some Money – Allowances, Work and Your Child

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Kids need to understand that work is how money is earned. Allowances are a common theme in childhood but they may send the wrong message. The biggest problem – when they come without work or chores attached.

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As Seen Through Your Child’s Eyes

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Imagine that you’ve just gotten off of an airplane in a different part of the world that you’ve never experienced. All of the people, things, places, that you encountered were a new adventure waiting to be explored. That’s as close as we can get to understanding what it’s like to be your child. They come into this world as a blank slate and everything they experience is a new impression on them.

Think for a few minutes with me about how your child sees the world. Can you imagine going back to the days when almost everything was a new learning experience? How did you figure it out? Mom and Dad. Your job as their parent is to teach your children what you want them to know. You teach them the names of things, how things are used, what sounds they make, and what is safe and what is not. They learn from you what things to eat and drink and what things to play with and avoid. They learn what appropriate language is and, if you use it, what inappropriate language is. Are you actively showing your child the differences?

Your children learn how to behave from you. Your kids see how you treat others, how you spend your time, your habits and mannerisms, and the way you talk. They learn emotion from what they see. Your child sees what it is like to be happy, sad, angry, excited, bored, and so forth. They learn what it means to be patient and when enough patience has been extended. They also learn how to hate from you, and how to love from you. Do you exhibit love, care, and compassion for others, or does your child see discord, conflict, and anger?

Your children learn relationships from you. It begins with your relationship with them, extends in the home to your relationship with your spouse and other children, and outside of the home to friends and family. Are you nurturing those relationships and giving them the time and attention that they deserve? They learn what it means to be selfish and to be giving from you. Which of these does your child see most?

Your child also gets morals and ethics from you; that is, you become their guiding compass. They pick up on right from wrong. They learn what hard work is supposed to look like. What you believe becomes what they believe; that includes religion and spirituality. Parents have been known to say they will let their child decide these things for themselves – is that really the responsible thing to do? Or, is it an excuse not to take them to church? If you don’t teach morals, ethics, values, and beliefs to them, there is a world full of people waiting to teach them. Do you want to leave it in their hands?

You are larger than life to your child. You are their whole world, and your responsibility for them is an awesome one. Be intentional in teaching and training them. Don’t leave it to chance that they will pick up the right things from the rest of the world.

Proverbs 22:6 – Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. (King James Version)

Application Question – Do you just assume that your children are learning the right things from you, or are you being intentional about it? Do you want them to see the real you or the you that others talk about?

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Is Corporate Punishment A Common Problem?

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I’m going to go out on a limb and coin a new phrase here – Corporate Punishment. We’ve all heard of corporal punishment as infliction of physical pain in response to an action, but what the heck is corporate punishment? It is a trap that we can easily fall into as parents and teachers because we see it happening all around us. What it is, why it is harmful, and what to do about it are the topics of this post.

Let’s define corporate punishment as the application of the same punishment to a group of individuals. That might be something as simple as putting all of your children in time-out because they’re behaving badly. We see it in schools all the time where the teacher yells at the whole class or makes them all write sentences when in reality only a couple of children are acting up. The first example is clearly OK because all of the children are involved, but the second can be problematic. The children who were not part of the problem suffer a consequence, which sends the wrong message to them about their good behavior.

Corporate punishment can show up in not-so-obvious ways, which is what we observe among adults. I’ve had to catch myself doing this in my workplace. When I come up with a new rule or policy that applies to all of my associates, I have to ask myself is it a reaction to one or two people that is penalizing the group as a whole? Applying corporate punishment in this fashion is generally a method for avoiding conflict with the troublemakers. Sometimes you discover that there is a situation or condition that needs clarification for the group as a whole, but routinely stamping out bad behavior by swatting the whole group destroys morale.

I get it that there are situations where punishing the group as a whole leads to the group applying social correction to the offenders. This might work in a group of adults or in a team environment but generally is not understood by children who are evaluated on their individual performance. I don’t think that corporate punishment is effective in the classroom. When a child is singled out for their behavior it’s tough and may create an uncomfortable conversation with that child’s parents, but if they aren’t made aware of the problem then it never goes away. Corporate punishment may address a specific situation short term, but that situation will happen again and again until the root of the problem is dealt with.

If you’re a parent whose child might be the victim of corporate punishment, follow the general guidelines below to uncover the situation.

  1. Get the facts from your child. Be as specific about dates and punishments as possible.
  2. Don’t discuss your actions with the child; that will undermine their teacher’s authority.
  3. Ask the teacher if your child has been a problem and get specific details to see if the stories line up.
  4. Discuss with the teacher your concerns about what you’ve heard and possible solutions. If you fear retaliation on your child, go to the school principal.
  5. Be a good role model and example of the proper application of discipline in your home.

Teachers specifically, I know you have a very difficult job but no parent wants to hear that their child was unjustly disciplined. I would like to hear your thoughts on corporate punishment. Parents, do you see this happening? Have you had successful interactions with your child’s teachers on this subject?

Application Question – What can I do to recognize corporate punishment? Am I supporting my child’s teachers? Am I guilty of using corporate punishment to avoid conflict?

 

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Flowers of Spring Fever

Finish Strong and Fight Spring Fever

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Teachers all over the country are experiencing a similar phenomenon in their classrooms – spring fever. Just about the time spring break rolls around kids begin to think about summer and stop thinking about school. Unfortunately, this is the time of year when standardized testing and final assessments take place, so it’s no time to mail it in. In this post we’ll discuss strategies for keeping your child focused to finish the school year strong.

At home you’re probably feeling this as well. It gets harder to get your children up in the morning and to get them to focus on doing their homework. Now imagine the frustrations that the teachers are facing when they have 20 or more kids all struggling to focus. By April, it has been a long school year and kids are tired of schoolwork, but in most systems there is still a lot of work to be done. It is a particularly frustrating time for schools because their biggest academic assessment each year for No Child Left Behind happens in the spring. Here are a few tips to help keep your child focused and finish strong:

  1. Keep your routines. We are all creatures of habit and sticking to a well-established routine is one key to a smooth-running household.
  2. Send your child to school. Things can come up in the spring and it can be tempting to let your child lay out of school here and there. The more you do this, the more your kids will want to stay out, and a vicious cycle ensues. Send them to school and you send a strong message to your children about keeping their obligations.
  3. Remember bedtime. With the days getting longer, the evening can sneak up on you pretty quickly and it might seem earlier than it really is. In concert with routines, keep an eye on the clock and make sure your kids get their normal night of sleep.
  4. Get your kids outside. Playing in the yard or with the neighborhood kids is a way to burn off that energy and buy you some peace and quiet in the afternoons. Use the warm weather and longer days to your advantage. Join them for some family fun and fitness.
  5. Openly plan your summer vacations and fun. If your children have something to look forward to upon completion of the school year, it could sustain them through the rest of the year and give them something to work towards.
  6. Be supportive of your teachers and school. Teachers are most effective when they have the full support and backing of parents, and this time of year is even more critical to have that cooperation. Have your child do their homework and study for upcoming tests. Keep the lines of communication open and be involved whenever you can as a parent.
  7. Use praise, rewards and incentives liberally. Children respond very favorably when appropriate levels of incentive are given for doing the right things. When you catch your child doing something good, or getting compliments from their teacher, or bringing home good grades, let them know you appreciate it.

Keeping up the intensity can have more than just psychological benefits. Perhaps a grade moves from a “B” to an “A” or, going the opposite direction, a class is failed by coasting at the end of the year. For high schoolers, this can be significant. In the case of my oldest son, his act of finishing strong his senior year moved him from #2 to #1 in class ranking and earned him an additional scholarship. With active, intentional parenting, you can help your child finish strong and fight spring fever.

Question – Is your case of spring fever rubbing off on your child?

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What Happened to Community Parenting?

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In my youth, parents were the eyes and ears for one another where their kids were concerned. Parents trusted one another to make sure that their kids stayed out of trouble. Sadly, that trend has changed and with that I believe our kids are getting into more trouble than ever before. This post explores the reasons for this phenomenon and how we can begin to swing the pendulum in the other direction.

I think the foremost reason for this change is the loss of community. We are all so busy and so consumed with the rigors of everyday life that we no longer know our neighbors, much less the parents of our kid’s classmates. Moms and Dads both work nowadays, and coupled with the migration to the suburbs the “bedroom community” is the new norm. People spend their evenings in their homes, rarely with enough time to get all of the daily chores complete before they collapse for the night.

The second trend that has caused this breakdown is the digital age. The ease through which we can chat, or send an email, tweet, or update a Facebook status has drawn us indoors. No longer do neighbors meet and talk face-to-face or over the phone. The backyard conversation between two moms is all but history. What has been sold as the way to make the world smaller has become the way the world has grown more isolated. Our neighbors are now strangers, and nobody trusts strangers.

The third reason that contributes to the loss of community parenting is litigation and lawsuits. A small percentage of our population is quick to point blame and pull the trigger at any hint that a lawsuit might lead to some financial reward. Even well-meaning individuals with good intentions are often targeted by these people. The old saying goes that no good deed goes unpunished. This has created an environment where people would rather not get involved than risk being sued, so they turn the other way instead of getting involved.

Finally, parents by and large believe that their kids can do no wrong. Or, at least they don’t want to admit their child’s wrongs to someone else. Any accusation by another parent is quickly met with defensiveness from the accused’s parent. So, parents turn a blind eye to what other kids are doing as long as their kids aren’t involved.

I don’t think it’s a lost cause even with today’s hectic schedules. Here is what I think we can do to restore the partnership with other parents and know what our children are up to:

  1. Go to school meetings. Get involved in as many school activities as you can as a parent.
  2. Talk to other parents who have kids involved in the same activities as your child.
  3. Pick up the telephone. Get the phone numbers of these parents that you connect with in steps 1 and 2 and don’t be afraid to establish and maintain an open line of communications with other parents.
  4. Trust but verify. If your child is going to someone’s house, call in advance to see if the parents will be home and if they are OK with it.
  5. Give permission. By now, if you’ve done steps 1-4, you have established trust and rapport with other parents. Extend to them the confidence that they can correct your child within your guidelines during your absence, and if that isn’t working to let you know.
  6. Remember your youth. As a child you know that you got away with a lot of things and you know how the child’s mind works. Children today are no different; always be on the lookout for any wayward behavior in your child and others.
  7. Follow your instincts. If you sense that something is wrong, go with it. Do not be afraid to talk with another parent. You might be protecting more than just your child by bringing something to their attention.

The African proverb says that it takes a village to raise a child. With all of the distractions and temptations that face our kids today, I fully agree. As busy parents, we simply cannot be everywhere or know everything that our children are up to so we need help from others. How else can we restore community parenting? In what ways is it working for you?

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Teacher and Parent Communication – Don’t Wait Till It’s Too Late

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I’ve written several posts on the parent/teacher/student relationship. This unique triangle is rather specific to the K-12 learning environment. Without proper care and feeding of that relationship, things can get off track rather quickly with your child. I’m speaking from experience here, so read on for my story and what to do about it.

By virtue of not being present in the school, the parent is in a position where they are on the outside looking in. We expect our children to accurately share what is happening in their classrooms, and we expect timely updates from their teachers. For busy teachers and children who are struggling this might not be the case. The kids may not want to share bad news, and the teachers expect that the kids share everything at home. Here is where the parent gets lost.

One of my kids is that struggling child. He struggles because he would rather socialize with his friends in school instead of doing the work. We know this because he brings home little to no homework and his online grade reports show several zeroes (By the way parents, zero on homework or classwork indicates no effort, which is not the teacher’s fault). Consequently, we seem to get to the end of a grading period and make a mad scramble to get his grades to an acceptable level.

So, needless to say we haven’t had the best luck with this, which tells me that I need to do a better job with the teachers. As I wrote in a previous post, “trust but verify” is the right approach to take when you have a kid that might not be forthcoming with his schoolwork. When we have been successful, there are a few common themes that seem to recur, and those are listed below.

We have been the most successful when we’re able to get the teacher’s email address and their phone number who will cooperate in an ongoing dialog. By having direct access to the teacher, any communications that might be lost  between the classroom and the living room can be confirmed. The information that parents get from direct communication tend to settle any disputes over assignments that are due or performance in the classroom.

Ask for a conference with your child’s teachers. This gives you a more in-depth chance to talk about what might be going on in the classroom. If your child has multiple teachers and you begin to hear the same things from each of them, you might begin to zero in on some underlying behavior or problem common to all classes.

The next most effective approach is to have the website where the teacher posts any coursework or information. By having the website, we can gain access at home to the most recent assignments and ask to see that the work has been completed. If your teacher will post homework on the day that it is assigned, then you can encourage your child to do that work before it is past due. On the other hand, a teacher’s website is only reliable if it is regularly updated.

We have used an agenda for an older child. In our experience these have been limited to use in elementary school and junior high, then the teachers expect the high school students to write down their own assignments. We’ve even had our son’s teachers sign his agenda to verify that they have seen it and that the written assignments are correct. It might be a little embarrassing to your child, but maybe that’s the spark they need to take some responsibility.

Most schools have another website where the actual grades are posted. These can be good to have as well, but our experience has been that some teachers wait till the end of the grading period to put in grades. By then, it is too late to help your child recover.

In summary, building those relationships with your child’s teachers through ongoing communication is the most likely avenue to success. What you don’t know about you cannot fix, but you also cannot ignore the problems. Teachers are much more likely to work with parents who pay attention and get involved than those who do not. You owe it to your child to know what is going on in their classroom and to help them through their struggles.

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What is Value? Using The Best College Value Lists

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I wrote a post last month on the Kiplinger Best College Values rankings, and the usual suspects are following suit in releasing their lists. US News and World Report and Princeton Review have released their 2012 lists. Although there is some good information in these lists, how should parents and students use these publications?

There is some good information on a lot of colleges collected in one location. You can find contact information, entrance exam scores, graduation rates, cost estimates and more in these lists. If you use the online versions, you can generally sort the list on any field that makes sense to you.

However, be leery of the rankings. The criteria and scoring mechanisms that each of these publications applies are all different. Some might place more weight on graduation rate, others on overall cost, still others on admission requirements and average exam scores. As I’ve mentioned in other posts, the vast majority of employers do not care about the name of the college that issues your degree.

Unfortunately, many colleges have caught on to how their overall rank is calculated and found ways to work the system. In an article from USAToday, several instances of outright cheating have been noted; either a school falsely reports data or they do something like have their incoming freshmen retake their entrance exam to boost score averages. Or, they do something more subtle like increase the amount of merit aid awarded to inflate their average aid amounts, while the average student doesn’t see any more grant or scholarship money because they don’t qualify for merit aid.

What started out as a guide to parents and students has turned into a weapon that the colleges hope to gain control of. From the same article, fully 70% of all colleges use their rankings in marketing materials sent to prospective students. However, a study found that of the criteria used in college selection, the national ranking averages 11th most important among incoming freshmen. To say that the rankings are more important to the colleges than to the students would be an accurate assessment.

Many of these lists ignore the two-year community and junior colleges. I believe that overlooking those schools would be a mistake, especially for a student that doesn’t have the scholarships or financial backing to attend a four-year institution. Be sure that you include those schools in your short list of institutions.

To be fair, the majority of colleges play by the rules. Some colleges have improved their rankings because they have done a good job to address items that are of value to the student. These areas include faculty-student ratio, class size, and programs aimed at retention and graduation rate. As you consult these lists, pay more attention to these indicators.

To derive true value, colleges need to begin tracking their students after graduation. Students attend college to enhance their career options and employability. What if colleges tracked, at the one-year and five-year mark after graduation, things like percent employment, percent employed in their major field of study, average salary, promotability, number of businesses started by graduates, and so forth? To me, this information gets to the heart of the value that colleges should provide – how attending their school benefits students in the marketplace.

In summary, don’t put too much stock in the rankings. Colleges care about their spot on the chart, but employers do not. Choose a school that offers your major, that is affordable, and that is accredited. Use these lists as an appendix to your search and not to drive the college selection process.

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