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As Seen Through Your Child’s Eyes

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Imagine that you’ve just gotten off of an airplane in a different part of the world that you’ve never experienced. All of the people, things, places, that you encountered were a new adventure waiting to be explored. That’s as close as we can get to understanding what it’s like to be your child. They come into this world as a blank slate and everything they experience is a new impression on them.

Think for a few minutes with me about how your child sees the world. Can you imagine going back to the days when almost everything was a new learning experience? How did you figure it out? Mom and Dad. Your job as their parent is to teach your children what you want them to know. You teach them the names of things, how things are used, what sounds they make, and what is safe and what is not. They learn from you what things to eat and drink and what things to play with and avoid. They learn what appropriate language is and, if you use it, what inappropriate language is. Are you actively showing your child the differences?

Your children learn how to behave from you. Your kids see how you treat others, how you spend your time, your habits and mannerisms, and the way you talk. They learn emotion from what they see. Your child sees what it is like to be happy, sad, angry, excited, bored, and so forth. They learn what it means to be patient and when enough patience has been extended. They also learn how to hate from you, and how to love from you. Do you exhibit love, care, and compassion for others, or does your child see discord, conflict, and anger?

Your children learn relationships from you. It begins with your relationship with them, extends in the home to your relationship with your spouse and other children, and outside of the home to friends and family. Are you nurturing those relationships and giving them the time and attention that they deserve? They learn what it means to be selfish and to be giving from you. Which of these does your child see most?

Your child also gets morals and ethics from you; that is, you become their guiding compass. They pick up on right from wrong. They learn what hard work is supposed to look like. What you believe becomes what they believe; that includes religion and spirituality. Parents have been known to say they will let their child decide these things for themselves – is that really the responsible thing to do? Or, is it an excuse not to take them to church? If you don’t teach morals, ethics, values, and beliefs to them, there is a world full of people waiting to teach them. Do you want to leave it in their hands?

You are larger than life to your child. You are their whole world, and your responsibility for them is an awesome one. Be intentional in teaching and training them. Don’t leave it to chance that they will pick up the right things from the rest of the world.

Proverbs 22:6 – Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. (King James Version)

Application Question – Do you just assume that your children are learning the right things from you, or are you being intentional about it? Do you want them to see the real you or the you that others talk about?

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Three Things You Must Do Today (and Everyday)!

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For all the advice and banter that I give in this blog (and there is plenty), I feel like these three simple things, done consistently, will put your children in a position to win. This is not to say that the other things that I blog about aren’t important or that you should ignore them. But for your child to feel safe and secure, these three things need to happen every day (hint – they’re not breakfast lunch, and dinner).

Hug your child and tell them how special they are. This one act, done every day, does more to build self-esteem and create an unshakable bond with them. Mom and Dad should both do this, as each has their own way and their own style with their child. This act lets each parent connect to their child and build their relationship in their own unique way. This is an excellent activity to do in the morning because it reminds us of what is most important in our lives, and it sets the stage for an amazing day for your child. And give them a hug. Your teenagers will squirm and resist, but appropriate physical touch from a parent is one of the leading factors that delay the onset of sexual activity

Spend 10 minutes with your child and talk about their day. This is a great activity to do at the dinner table. Instead of watching television or eating in silence, ask each child about their day. For both of my children who are at home, currently 9 and 16, it takes a few questions to draw out more than a simple “Fine” about their day. By asking about their day, you let them know that you’re interested in what they do. You also just might learn something that you didn’t know.

Send each child to bed knowing that you love them. Any anger, resentment, hurt feelings, or other bad mood triggers need to be put away before bedtime. Be sure that when your kids go to bed that you tuck them in and pray over them each night. This gives them a sense of security for their night’s sleep, it lowers any anxiety so that they can rest well, and the prayers ensure that God protects them where our efforts might fail.

Our lives are so busy, but because we chose to have children they are our number three priority behind God and our spouse. Be willing to put things aside to do for your child, but when there simply isn’t time be certain that these three simple acts are done every day. All total, they should take no more than 15 minutes out of our day. Aren’t your kids worth it?

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What to do when nothing works?

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Sometimes it seems like nothing you try works. You use the principles mentioned throughout the Affluent Student, you involve others, and you beg and plead with your child but still they don’t perform. What then? I can tell you that I too have experienced this firsthand, and it isn’t easy to deal with. Let’s talk about how you might react.

I had a therapist tell me that I care about my child’s grades more than they did, which was correct. But they also told me to just let my child fail. While the therapist may be a professional and have their own clinical answers, I just did not feel comfortable letting that happen. This leads to my first conclusion – never give up, and never appear disinterested. Your children need to know that you care. They may get angry and roll their eyes when you lay down the law, but they need the safety and guidance provided by your boundaries and expectations.

Bad results come from bad behaviors. Avoiding homework, skipping out on classwork, and not studying for tests or doing projects are the bad behaviors. The results are the bad grades that come from those behaviors. In our discussion about rewards and punishments, one of the things we learned was that putting off a punishment or a reinforcer is much less effective than if the consequence is delivered at the time of the behavior. So the second takeaway is to be more diligent about the consequences. Focus on the positive – intentionally seek out times when your child does the right things and reward when that happens. But don’t let bad behaviors go unnoticed. The sooner you correct those, the better.

Another lesson for the parent here is about motivation. If this is going to be a problem, it begins to appear in middle school for some reason. It probably has a lot to do with peer pressure, adolescence, and a variety of other factors. If you find that you continually have to provide the motivation for your child to do their schoolwork, then you’re probably frustrated. Motivation that doesn’t come from within will last only temporarily. Talk to them about the benefits of doing the right things instead of trying to motivate through fear or bribery. Help them see the longer term goals that they can reach through discipline and hard work. I’ve made this mistake more often than I care to admit, but if you can convey a vision then it is more likely that your child will get onboard. It won’t happen overnight, but it will happen.

Final thought - remember that your child is a gift from God. Just as we are all God’s children, He is crazy about us and loves us no matter what we do. He may be disappointed in our choices from time to time, but His love for us never diminishes. Treat your child the same. Your love and adoration for them should never be based on their performance in school, on the sports field, in the dance or piano recital or anywhere else. Let your child know how special they are to you and never let them think for one moment that you love them any less because of their grades.

It’s tough being a parent – please don’t ever give up on your children, whether they are natural, adopted, step or otherwise. If you took on the responsibility for raising them, it is your duty and obligation to be the very best parent that you can be to them.

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Parenting the Middle Schooler

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In my last posting, I talked about starting early on the road to college planning.  I believe that parents of middle-school students should begin planning for their student’s journey to college.  It may seem like years away, but those years will pass quickly.

In middle school, students often get their first taste of multiple teachers and changing classes.  No longer do they stay with one teacher and one classroom full of students all day; middle-schoolers must begin to learn how to manage the changes and pressures of a schedule, along with all of the other challenges of adolescence.

It is during these three years that middle-schoolers prepare for the transition to high school.  They must learn to study effectively, to organize their time, to manage relationships with multiple teachers, and to begin to keep track of due dates for projects, tests, and homework.  The degree to which they are prepared during the middle school years most often determines the academic success that they will ultimately enjoy in high school and college.

Parents play a vital role in a student’s transition to high school during these two or three years.  The best things that a parent can do are:

Ask your children questions.
Communicate with their teachers.
Help them with their homework – you can’t just tell them it’s important to you, they have to see it as well.
Trust but verify – follow up on what your student tells you.
Get involved in their life – know who their friends are.
Enlist the help of other parents and clergy to help a wayward child.
Talk to them about the importance of discipline and good grades.
Limit their time engaged in social media, video games, and other technologies.
Hold them accountable – don’t make excuses for them or their teachers.
Reward good behaviors and activities.
Treat all or your children as individuals; don’t compare them to one another.
Love them unconditionally.

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