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In my opinion, parenting is the toughest job there is. It is a job that never ends and it is a job that you can never quit. It is a job where you are constantly learning new things and a job that you will often fail at. It is a job that can get more challenging over time, and there will be times when we simply don’t know what to do. I’ve done my share of bad parenting and have learned a few things about handling failure, both the right way and the wrong way.

What I’d like to do with this post is to give you encouragement on how you can learn from the inevitable failures. When failure happens (and it will happen), keep these following tips in mind:

If you’re having these failures, at least you’re trying. As long as you’re trying, and doing what you believe in your heart is the best for your child, you will get better over time.

You are not alone. There are no parents that have ever handled this role perfectly. Even those seemingly perfect families have their own shares of heartache.

You are dealing with people when you deal with your kids. They are unique personalities with their own character traits, and those are developing each and every day. That’s part of what make parenting so challenging. The more you know your child, the better you will relate to them.

Don’t be afraid to apologize. Sometimes you will look back on a bad parenting instance and see that you should have done something differently. Maybe you will overreact and your anger will get the best of you. Or, you might not believe your child initially but later find out that they were telling the truth. Never be afraid to apologize to the child or to your spouse.

Seek out advice and guidance on parenting. Websites and blogs like this, books, forums and other parenting communities are available to help you learn how to parent better. Sometimes admitting that you need help is the first step to improvement.

You and your spouse are parenting as a team, so be sure that you present a united front. If you disagree with some parenting issue that your spouse displayed, take that to them in private and not in front of the kids.

What worked for one child may not work for another, and may not even work next time around for the same child. Be flexible and willing to adapt your parenting practices from child to child and from situation to situation.

Partner with other parents to learn from one another. Look for other like-minded parents and maybe a mentor couple who might be a few years ahead of you. Having others to confide in can give you a different perspective and the support that you need.

Parenting is a never-ending journey. These events don’t define you as a parent or person; they are just isolated points along the parenting lifecycle. Keep going!

Application Question: Are you willing to admit your parenting failures? Do you have parenting partners? What tip above did you need to hear most?

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My wife and I were discussing vacation plans this week, so Kami (my wife) asks our daughter Ashley where she would like to go on vacation. After mentioning the typical places that we have been to before, Kami asks her if there is any place she would like to go that she’s never been to. Ashley’s response became the title of this post – “How Do I Know Where To Go If I Haven’t Been There Yet?”

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As parents, your child looks to you for everything. How you do things, how you respond to things, how you treat others, your habits good and bad, all are subject to consumption, inspection, and scrutiny by your child. Often our responses in crucial situations dictate how our child’s character will develop down the road. When faced with a situation, do you go with the flow and be the cool parent or stick to your principles?

In some cases, we need to be flexible and adapt. Technology is a prime example of where we can bend and flex to meet our children’s desires and help us keep them safe. A cell phone is a prime example. You may cringe at your child having a phone, but most providers today give you the ability to add GPS tracking to your phones. How cool would it be to know where your child is at all times? You can if you adopt these technologies. They get a phone, you have a means to reach them, and you also know where they are.

In other cases, you need to stand strong. Your child may want to play mature-rated games, they may want to have a later curfew, go to a party that everyone is attending, and so on. This is no time to be the cool parent. Let your instincts guide you, especially you mothers. It will be tough at times. Your child will have many compelling reasons why they should be allowed to go or do these things and peer pressure is often their guiding motivation. They will also be angry with you when they can’t go or do what they’ve asked.

You’ll be tempted to give them a little rope and see how they handle it. In my mind, this is a bad move. Your child also notices how consistent you are in the way that you treat them, and once you introduce inconsistency then it’s very hard to put that back in the box. Every time you are faced with this scenario, your child will remind you of the time that you let them do this before. Stay strong, and stay consistent.

I read a beautiful illustration of this principle in Seth Godin’s “Poke the Box” but I’ll use it differently than he did. In the rushing river is a log wedged into the riverbed. All around it there is constant motion and change, and as things flow by that log in the river the water and turbulence is particularly high around the log, but it never moves. As your child rushes down the flowing river of their life, if things get out of control then you hope that the log is there for them to grab onto. You, acting as their constant, their rock, their log in the river, can be the rescue that they grab onto as they are rushing down that river toward the waterfall. Be your child’s parent. Both you and your child have more than enough friends to get through life without compromising that relationship.

 

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