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Discipline, Consequences, and Punishment

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discipline consequences and punishment

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Discipline, Consequences, and Punishment. Often these three words are used interchangeably. This happens because we often aren’t careful with how we apply these. But I think as we raise our kids, it’s important to understand the differences. In this post I hope to bring out those differences, describe examples of each, and give some guidance to parents on how to apply these appropriately.

The word discipline simply means “to teach.” That’s why the twelve who followed Jesus in the Bible were called disciples – they were there to be taught by Jesus. Discipline is how we teach our children the behaviors that we expect from them.

Consequences are nothing more than results. Consequences have a negative connotation. A consequence of a bad behavior should be bad. That’s how lessons are learned. However, a consequence can also be a positive event. Think about the time that you spend at work. When you do something well, doesn’t it feel good when the consequence is a bonus or time off, or just an attaboy?

Punishment is an unnatural negative consequence to a behavior. Most commonly, it’s the tool that we use to teach our child a lesson. Punishments can come in many forms. There is corporal punishment, commonly known as spanking. There are also time-outs, grounding, and scolding.

Now that we know the definitions, how do we apply them properly? Many of us that are my age and older will attest to the liberal application of punishment in our childhood. While we survived, and in some cases have thrived, modern behavioral psychologists believe that there is a better way.

First, they believe in the power of positive parenting. If you’ll check out the article we discussed on Episode 6 of The Real Family Guys Podcast, you see the results of a long-term study of this behavior. Positive parenting involves affirming the right behaviors instead of punishing the wrong behaviors. This is known as positive reinforcement.

Secondly, natural consequences are emphasized over punishment. This allows a child to learn from their own mistakes. In some situations, this is much more powerful and effective than the parent constantly reminding the child to do the right things. Don’t we all learn the best lessons from our own mistakes?

Finally, they believe that a child should learn how to make choices. Presenting them with “this or that” situations empowers them to choose. And providing reason and rationale for their decisions, and yours, should help them make informed choices the next time around.

The emphasis is on discipline and consequence. A favorable side-effect of this practice is that a child learns to build internal discipline and self-control. But will you be able to totally eliminate punishment? After all, punishment is a part of the rehabilitative process for adult offenders. I don’t know any parent who has avoided using punishment completely. If you have, please comment below – I’m sure others would love to know your secrets.

What works best for your child? That is the million-dollar question. Who can answer that? The parents. It won’t come easy, and you can’t apply a six-point test to determine what works. What it will take is knowing your child. Knowing their personality style and how they respond. Knowing what makes them tick and what sets them off. Knowing whether they rebel or conform in different situations. And knowing that each child is unique, and that what works for one won’t necessarily work for another.

Whatever your approach, remember that it’s all about discipline and teaching your child.

Application Questions – When was the last time we gave a positive consequence to our children doing the right thing? Have you ever tried natural consequences? Are you able to avoid all forms of punishment in lieu of alternative options?

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When To Consider Military School?

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Military school

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I watched the movie Act of Valor over the weekend. The movie was about a mission for Navy SEAL Team 7. I won’t spoil the movie for you but I highly recommend this for men of all ages. It depicts bravery, loyalty, toughness, duty, and valor in a way that most Americans will never understand. Women will love it too.

The movie reminded me of the nine years I spent in the United States Coast Guard. I loved every minute of it. My enlistment was a choice. I never planned to go in the service but I am proud that I did. But I never spent a day in military school or in the Junior ROTC in my high school.

So why might a parent choose a military school? The costs can be quite high, averaging more than $10,000 per year. Most of these schools also require on-campus living throughout the school year. Here are a few considerations for military school.

Structure is needed or desired. Some children just need good models for structure and discipline. Because the day is scheduled and structured for the students, this kind of environment can create good habits. Your kids might thrive in an organized, structured environment.

Military service runs strong in the family. Some children may want to continue this family tradition early in life. For the child who aspires to a military career, a military school can be the starting point.

Camaraderie, teamwork, and bonding. When you eat, sleep, and go to school with the same company of cadets you can’t help but build solid relationships. I remember my days in boot camp when we came together as a unit. It’s a feeling that few will experience. It’s also one that will have a lifelong impact on your child.

Excellent college preparation. Many of these schools have above-average entrance exam scores. Each year these military schools send graduates into the top colleges and universities across the nation. These kids have more interaction with their teachers and less interaction with television. On average, they also spend more time doing their homework. Military schools also promote extracurricular and service activities for their cadets.

Surprisingly, military schools are not appropriate for kids with discipline issues. A military school is not setup to provide the support and individualized treatment that these kids need. The in-your-face style of training and instruction doesn’t mix well with behavioral problems. Sending a child with discipline issues to military school will likely make the situation worse.

Parents should never use military school, or any other school, to avoid dealing with their child. Parenting is a difficult job. Life may get in the way sometimes. You cannot run from your parenting obligation or delegate it to someone else.

Military school doesn’t necessarily mean a military career. There is no service obligation for your child for these prep schools. And, some schools have scholarships and financial assistance programs to help with the cost. However, the characteristics and values taught at these schools apply to everyday life. If love of country, patriotism, and honor are high on you and your child’s list, you might consider a high-quality military school.

For more information, visit the Association of Military Colleges and Schools of the United States.

Discussion Question – Did you attend military school? Have you seriously considered it for your child?

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Humorous Teenage Pranks From The Trenches

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One thing is for sure – your teenager will always be up to something. That age group is always seeking out ways to push their boundaries so teenage pranks make for some great stories. I’ve got a couple of stories to share and I have omitted all the names to protect the guilty and the unwitting parents, so enjoy. You probably have some even better than these, so join the conversation and comment below!

Rolling yards is one of the classic teenage pranks. While it is frustrating to the parents, it’s also a badge of honor for the teen. At least in the South, if your yard gets rolled it’s probably because you’re popular among some crowd. But if you’re out rolling yards, don’t leave any evidence behind. A WalMart bag was found among the mess, and in that bag was a logon ID and password written on a piece of paper. Enough information was there to find out exactly who was part of the toilet paper gang – busted!

Let’s just say that teens have a curiosity for the opposite sex. I’ve heard a couple of stories lately about kids experimenting in various places – on the school bus, in their bedroom while Mom or Dad is home, and others. The funniest thing about the school bus story is that although the children were both suspended from school, they were both lauded as heroes among their friends. Hmm, not sure the kids learned their lessons from that one…

Think you’ve cut off internet access? Think again. In this story, a dad thought that he could impose an internet curfew by disabling the home router at a set time each night. This worked for one kid but not the other. You see, the neighbor’s Wi-Fi access point was unprotected so one kid simply connected to their network and kept right on surfing. But the signal wasn’t strong enough to reach the other child’s bedroom. Their big mouth, though, was the end to this little trick – once the other sibling found out about this, parents were quickly informed. Dad turned on the parental controls on each computer to cut off access at the desired time, and that problem was solved.

A whole category of teenage pranks involve being somewhere that you shouldn’t be. Parties will happen and teens want to be there. But if you put a cell phone in their hand, it’s getting to be very easy to find out where your kids are at all times. All of the major carriers now offer some form of GPS tracking to tell where all of the phones on the plan are at any time. So when a dad checked in with his daughter and she said she was at the home of one friend but the GPS locator said she was elsewhere, Dad showed up and put an early end to the night’s events for his teen. An embarrassing moment for the teen, to say the least.

Sometimes your child will live a double life – online, that is. It’s becoming more common for teens to have two Facebook profiles – one for family and one for friends. When that happens, this becomes the place where their teenage pranks are lived out online. Teens are starting to hear the message that their online reputation is important, and they don’t want their parents seeing the pictures from that party or messages from certain conversations. Those alternate profiles can be tough to find – in the case of this story, the only way it was noticed was that an unfamiliar email address popped up in the login prompt for Facebook.

My point in sharing these is more than just to provide humor. We should always be on the lookout for what your child might be up to. We can (and should) trust our children, but occasionally verifying that what they say is true will help keep them on the straight and narrow. It is their nature to test their limits and boundaries with these teenage pranks and it is up to the parents to keep those limits firmly in place.

Application Question: Are you on the lookout for these and other ways that your teen might be overstepping their boundaries?

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Is Corporate Punishment A Common Problem?

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I’m going to go out on a limb and coin a new phrase here – Corporate Punishment. We’ve all heard of corporal punishment as infliction of physical pain in response to an action, but what the heck is corporate punishment? It is a trap that we can easily fall into as parents and teachers because we see it happening all around us. What it is, why it is harmful, and what to do about it are the topics of this post.

Let’s define corporate punishment as the application of the same punishment to a group of individuals. That might be something as simple as putting all of your children in time-out because they’re behaving badly. We see it in schools all the time where the teacher yells at the whole class or makes them all write sentences when in reality only a couple of children are acting up. The first example is clearly OK because all of the children are involved, but the second can be problematic. The children who were not part of the problem suffer a consequence, which sends the wrong message to them about their good behavior.

Corporate punishment can show up in not-so-obvious ways, which is what we observe among adults. I’ve had to catch myself doing this in my workplace. When I come up with a new rule or policy that applies to all of my associates, I have to ask myself is it a reaction to one or two people that is penalizing the group as a whole? Applying corporate punishment in this fashion is generally a method for avoiding conflict with the troublemakers. Sometimes you discover that there is a situation or condition that needs clarification for the group as a whole, but routinely stamping out bad behavior by swatting the whole group destroys morale.

I get it that there are situations where punishing the group as a whole leads to the group applying social correction to the offenders. This might work in a group of adults or in a team environment but generally is not understood by children who are evaluated on their individual performance. I don’t think that corporate punishment is effective in the classroom. When a child is singled out for their behavior it’s tough and may create an uncomfortable conversation with that child’s parents, but if they aren’t made aware of the problem then it never goes away. Corporate punishment may address a specific situation short term, but that situation will happen again and again until the root of the problem is dealt with.

If you’re a parent whose child might be the victim of corporate punishment, follow the general guidelines below to uncover the situation.

  1. Get the facts from your child. Be as specific about dates and punishments as possible.
  2. Don’t discuss your actions with the child; that will undermine their teacher’s authority.
  3. Ask the teacher if your child has been a problem and get specific details to see if the stories line up.
  4. Discuss with the teacher your concerns about what you’ve heard and possible solutions. If you fear retaliation on your child, go to the school principal.
  5. Be a good role model and example of the proper application of discipline in your home.

Teachers specifically, I know you have a very difficult job but no parent wants to hear that their child was unjustly disciplined. I would like to hear your thoughts on corporate punishment. Parents, do you see this happening? Have you had successful interactions with your child’s teachers on this subject?

Application Question – What can I do to recognize corporate punishment? Am I supporting my child’s teachers? Am I guilty of using corporate punishment to avoid conflict?

 

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Your Best Investment Ever

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Sitting in church yesterday morning, I realized something. The pastor was speaking in a series on life change, and today’s topic was on change agents. He mentioned how others have invested in us to get us to the point where we are in our lives. Consequently, it us our responsibility to invest in others to make sure that their lives are lived to the fullest. As parents doing this for our children, it is our highest calling. If you want to raise good students, you have to raise them as quality young people.

How do you invest in your children? I’ll get to some of my thoughts in a moment, but in a nutshell you invest in them by giving of yourself and being the parents that God appointed you to be. Your child had no choice in the matter – they’re yours. You, as the adult, are wholly responsible for your child. It is an awesome responsibility.

Now, before you go breathing in a paper bag to keep from hyperventilating, realize that children are very resilient. There is room for error, but just be sure that you don’t keep making the same error. As long as you’re trying with your kids, you’ll do just fine.

So, here are a dozen ways on how you make investment deposits with your child.

  1. Spend time with them. There simply is no replacement for time.
  2. Listen to them. Children often feel like they’re second-class citizens when they’re in the company of adults. Listen to them, but don’t coddle to their every need.
  3. Help them with their schoolwork, get involved in their school, and let them see you learning something new. The goal is to get them enthusiastic about learning for a lifetime. Your child cannot afford to graduate high school and never pick up another book again.
  4. Let them see charity and concern for others in you. It is not the responsibility of the government to take care of us; when the community at large takes care of its less fortunate then we all thrive.
  5. Don’t be afraid to discipline. The simple definition for discipline is to teach. Your child needs to know right from wrong and the boundaries when dealing with others, so be sure to teach them. Reward good behavior and correct bad behavior.
  6. Tell them how unique and special they are. Don’t go around comparing them to others. If your child’s self-esteem is high, then there is absolutely no limit to what they can accomplish in this world.
  7. Be their parent, not their friend. Your child will have plenty of friends, but you are their parent, their anchor, their safe place. Being the cool parent can have disastrous consequences.
  8. Model healthy practices for them. Eat right and get proper amounts of sleep and exercise, and require the same of them as well.
  9. Give grace, mercy, and forgiveness. Jesus modeled these behaviors for us, so we should do as much for our children.
  10. Never give up on them. At times parenting is the hardest thing in the world. You will be frustrated and not know what to do next. Just never, ever let them see you give up. You can’t – they’re your children.
  11. Be consistent. To feel safe and connect with you, your child needs to know how you’ll react to different things. Doing what you say, and following through, teaches them so much.
  12. Virtues, values, morals, and ethics. We must teach these to our kids if we want them to have any.

I could go on all day, and you probably have lists of ways that you invest in your children. The thing to remember is that you alone are the single most important influence in their life. Anyone can be a father or a mother, but it takes effort to be a parent. Mold them into the person that you expect them to become. Not only is it your duty, but it will be the most rewarding thing that you ever do.

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Dad’s contribution

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As important as I think it is for Mom to be there for her children, I believe that Dad plays a crucial role in their children’s education that Mom simply can’t fill.  First of all, Dads approval, blessing and validation is critical to a child’s self-esteem.  This is a biblical principal; in Genesis both Jacob and Esau sought the approval and blessing of their father Isaac.  Though he lost it by deception from Jacob, Esau was heartbroken when he did not receive Isaac’s blessing.  Although the blessing in biblical times was somewhat different than what we’re talking about here, the message is clear that not having a father’s approval is devastating to a child.

It is not uncommon at all to see fathers to go to their children’s sporting events, to encourage them to play new sports, to talk about and brag about our children’s athletic accomplishments, and maybe to even coach them and their sports teams.  When we see them struggle, we try to train them and teach them how to get better.  As men, it is our nature to compete and win, so we try to make our children the best that they can be on the field.  We aren’t willing to accept excuses for their shortcomings on the field and we do what we can to make them excel.  It is the extremely rare exception that a child will make it to professional levels in sports and be able to make a living through their athletic prowess; odds of a million-to-one are not at all uncommon.  However, we as Dads push them and spend countless hours and money on sports in the hopes of getting them to that level.

Do we do that for their education?  Why, then, should school performance and academics be any different?  By your involvement in their education, you convey the message that education is important to you.  I’ve heard fathers on meet-the-teacher or open house visits make excuses for their children (mostly the boys) as to why they might struggle in the classroom.  Maybe instead of making the excuses and accepting mediocre performance from your child, Dad should instead hold their children to a higher standard.  But holding them to the standard isn’t enough; Dad has to be involved.  Make efforts to know what your children are working on.  Dads often miss the field trips, the school plays, the concerts, science fairs and open houses that their children are involved in.  What message does that send?  Dad is often called on to be the disciplinarian when grades suffer, but what credibility can Dad have with punishment if he isn’t involved in school and academic pursuits?

Dad, you can also be an example.  I hope you’ll agree that learning, particularly in the information age that we’re in, is a lifelong activity.  Things we knew as cutting-edge technology just five years ago is no longer relevant in the workplace.  For our children, their ability and willingness to pursue education and knowledge throughout their lives will go a long way towards determining their level of success and comfort in life.  Do your children see you learning?  Are you reading books, taking classes, or doing anything to learn something new?  Do you talk to them about it?

Dad, show your children that you care about how they perform in school.  Read with them and help them with homework and give them words of praise and encouragement for doing well.  Be willing to correct and discipline as necessary, but only if you’re involved.  Know their teachers and be at their school functions.  Show them how important learning and knowledge are to you by being an example.  By doing these things, you will be a blessing to them and they will strive to do their best in order to gain your approval.

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Parenting the Middle Schooler

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In my last posting, I talked about starting early on the road to college planning.  I believe that parents of middle-school students should begin planning for their student’s journey to college.  It may seem like years away, but those years will pass quickly.

In middle school, students often get their first taste of multiple teachers and changing classes.  No longer do they stay with one teacher and one classroom full of students all day; middle-schoolers must begin to learn how to manage the changes and pressures of a schedule, along with all of the other challenges of adolescence.

It is during these three years that middle-schoolers prepare for the transition to high school.  They must learn to study effectively, to organize their time, to manage relationships with multiple teachers, and to begin to keep track of due dates for projects, tests, and homework.  The degree to which they are prepared during the middle school years most often determines the academic success that they will ultimately enjoy in high school and college.

Parents play a vital role in a student’s transition to high school during these two or three years.  The best things that a parent can do are:

Ask your children questions.
Communicate with their teachers.
Help them with their homework – you can’t just tell them it’s important to you, they have to see it as well.
Trust but verify – follow up on what your student tells you.
Get involved in their life – know who their friends are.
Enlist the help of other parents and clergy to help a wayward child.
Talk to them about the importance of discipline and good grades.
Limit their time engaged in social media, video games, and other technologies.
Hold them accountable – don’t make excuses for them or their teachers.
Reward good behaviors and activities.
Treat all or your children as individuals; don’t compare them to one another.
Love them unconditionally.

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