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Parenting Through Failure

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In my opinion, parenting is the toughest job there is. It is a job that never ends and it is a job that you can never quit. It is a job where you are constantly learning new things and a job that you will often fail at. It is a job that can get more challenging over time, and there will be times when we simply don’t know what to do. I’ve done my share of bad parenting and have learned a few things about handling failure, both the right way and the wrong way.

What I’d like to do with this post is to give you encouragement on how you can learn from the inevitable failures. When failure happens (and it will happen), keep these following tips in mind:

If you’re having these failures, at least you’re trying. As long as you’re trying, and doing what you believe in your heart is the best for your child, you will get better over time.

You are not alone. There are no parents that have ever handled this role perfectly. Even those seemingly perfect families have their own shares of heartache.

You are dealing with people when you deal with your kids. They are unique personalities with their own character traits, and those are developing each and every day. That’s part of what make parenting so challenging. The more you know your child, the better you will relate to them.

Don’t be afraid to apologize. Sometimes you will look back on a bad parenting instance and see that you should have done something differently. Maybe you will overreact and your anger will get the best of you. Or, you might not believe your child initially but later find out that they were telling the truth. Never be afraid to apologize to the child or to your spouse.

Seek out advice and guidance on parenting. Websites and blogs like this, books, forums and other parenting communities are available to help you learn how to parent better. Sometimes admitting that you need help is the first step to improvement.

You and your spouse are parenting as a team, so be sure that you present a united front. If you disagree with some parenting issue that your spouse displayed, take that to them in private and not in front of the kids.

What worked for one child may not work for another, and may not even work next time around for the same child. Be flexible and willing to adapt your parenting practices from child to child and from situation to situation.

Partner with other parents to learn from one another. Look for other like-minded parents and maybe a mentor couple who might be a few years ahead of you. Having others to confide in can give you a different perspective and the support that you need.

Parenting is a never-ending journey. These events don’t define you as a parent or person; they are just isolated points along the parenting lifecycle. Keep going!

Application Question: Are you willing to admit your parenting failures? Do you have parenting partners? What tip above did you need to hear most?

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In Parenting Skills accountability, advice, failure, guidance, lessons, parenting

I Was Wrong

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What I’ve learned from these experiences is that sometimes things are easier said than done. I knew the right thing to do in each instance but either didn’t think about it at the time or I underestimated the impact of each decision. It’s something we all deal with as parents and functional adults simply living our lives. Those decisions and/or opportunities will never go away nor get any easier.

In Life Skills, Parenting Skills, Relationships accountability, apology, authority, divorce, goals, mistake, overcommit, priorities, stepparent, time management, undermine, unity, volunteer, wrong

Why Not Now – Making Today Count

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The procrastination and excuse bug can bite everyone. Parents and kids can be heard chanting the mantra “I’ll do it later” when they have plenty of time and opportunity to do whatever they’re putting off today. Why is this so prevalent in our society and what can you do about it? Let’s spend a few minutes looking at these together.

Tackle the tough work first. We tend to have more energy and a better outlook on the day in the morning hours so that’s the prime time to embrace the hard stuff. Getting the tough stuff off your to-do list creates momentum and gives you something to look forward to about the rest of your day. It’s kind of like having to eat your vegetables before you eat dessert – nobody really likes to but we all know it’s good for us.

Turn big hairy projects into smaller tasks. Nothing makes me want to slump back onto the couch more than seeing a huge monster project on the horizon. Without these small tasks, you may never see your way clearly to the end goal. Breaking the project into bite-sized chunks lets you see real progress toward task completion without the obligation to finish the whole thing at once. This works for school projects as well – do a little bit every night and before you know it the job is done.

Plan your work and set aside time on your calendar. Things get in the way when you don’t block your calendar. Want to know where your priorities lie? Look at your calendar and your checkbook. That’s where your life is lived out. Being intentional with your calendar ensures that a minimum amount of time slips away wasted.

Remove the distractions or obstacles you know you’ll encounter before beginning the work. This can be simple in theory but hard in practice, because sometimes these distractions exist because we like them to be there. Knowing your weak spots can help you clear the clutter that gets in the way. That includes homework for kids; if they’re inclined to listen to music or something else instead of doing their homework then help them see that as a distraction. Talk to them about how it prolongs their time spent on homework and takes away from the time they have to do things they would rather do instead.

Apply Habit One from Stephen Covey’s “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” – Begin With The End In Mind. The brain is a powerful motivator, and seeing the benefits and end results in your mind before starting to work can create imagery and motivation for you to work on a goal. Teach this to your kids by making statements like “Imagine what it would it be like if you …” or “Wonder how you might feel if you …” That gets the mind involved which gets the body moving.

Tell someone your plans. Once you expose that you’re working on something, you’ve automatically created yourself an accountability partner. My readers expect that they will see my blog three times per week so that motivates me to make sure I post at least that often. Having someone to hold your feet to the fire is a great motivator to get things done.

Change your thinking from obligation to opportunity. Seeing obligation naturally translates to a “have to do” mindset, and seeing opportunity creates a “want to do” atmosphere. Subtle as it may be, changing your language from “I have to …” to “I get to …” has a profound impact. It also affects gratitude and heart. Live this out in front of your kids with a change in language and see how they follow along.

Life is just a series of nows – the past is gone and the future hasn’t arrived just yet. Some say that tomorrow is the busiest day in people’s lives. Get into the habit of making today count and now can become your new favorite word.

Application Question – What assumptions do you make about tomorrow? Does your language indicate a tendency towards procrastination? Which of the tips above can you apply to your personal situation?

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In Parenting Skills, Values Morals and Ethics accountability, calendar, distractions, excuses, obligation, obstacles, opportunity, plan, priorities, procrastination, project, tasks, to-do list

Goal-setting for students

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Ever felt like you were out of balance, chasing the wrong things? Or felt as if you were wandering through life waiting for something good to happen? These are two guaranteed, sure-fire ways to achieve very little in your life. If you don’t have a plan, a purpose, a mission, and associated goals to reach these, you run the risk of looking back twenty years from now and wondering what happened to your life. Sometimes you hear stories of rich uncles and lottery winners, but about 90% of millionaires in North America are first-generation rich – meaning, they earned their own way to a seven-figure net worth. Good fortune isn’t just going to fall from the sky – you need to develop a plan with well-thought goals and priorities and set out to accomplish them.

Goal-setting is extremely important not only in your professional life but your personal life as well. Goals give you direction, a plan, a sense of
what you need to be focusing on. Goals also help you prioritize so you can spend your efforts working on the things that you’ve identified as most important to you. It doesn’t always have to be about the money either – you can set goals for fitness, health, relationships, hobbies or ministries that you want to pursue, or any number of other things that add richness and fulfillment to your life.

What a great concept to teach our students. Before middle school, kids simply don’t have the maturity to understand the benefits of setting goals. However, once they reach middle school all children have done some sort of goal-setting and goal-reaching whether they realize it or not. They all can understand the concept so if we can teach our children now about how to set goals, then this becomes a powerful tool in their life toolkit. So, what does the process of goal setting look like?

A good goal has the SMART attributes – that means, it is Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Time-sensitive. A good goal has to belong to the person setting the goal – it can’t be another person’s wish or desire. A good goal is written down. Finally, a good goal is challenging.

Bad goals – I want to lose weight (fails the specific and time-sensitive test), I want better grades (fails the specific and time-sensitive test), I want to be seven feet tall (fails the attainable and realistic test), I want a million dollars (fails the time-sensitive test).

Good goals – I want to lose 15 pounds by December 31, I want to make a B in Algebra next semester, I want to increase my net worth by $20,000 next year.

To pass the second test, it is very important that your child’s goals belong to them. Your child may need help with this because they may not have that long-term mindset working just yet. So that you don’t impose your own goals on them, ask them questions to get to what’s most important to them. Help them see the rewards that await them at the completion of their goals. Let them dream here – this should be fun for both them and for you.

To remind your child of the goals they set, have them write down their goals and put them in a place where they will regularly see them. This gives intentionality and purpose to their goals, along with a neutral accountability partner that gently reminds them of the things that they’ve identified as most important to them.

If they are struggling with how to get started on the path of meeting their goal, help them break down the steps to the goal in small, manageable chunks. This will help them exercise their problem solving and rational thought muscles. Finally, let them experience the process in the safe confines of their home environment. Don’t press them about their goals, encourage them whenever they miss the mark, and help them celebrate their achievements when they make it to a goal.

The great motivational speaker Zig Ziglar says that if you aim at nothing, you’ll be sure to hit your target each and every time. Help your student find something worth achieving and get them in the habit of setting goals. This one practice, learned well and repeated often, will take them further in life than the vast majority of their peers.

In Uncategorized accountability, goals, SMART

Responsibility

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We live in the Teflon age. What I mean by this is that nobody wants to accept responsibility for anything that goes wrong, so they don’t want anything bad to “stick to them”. Many folks put a lot more effort into avoiding blame or placing blame on others. I can assure you that our kids see when we do this and they learn from it. Parents, can’t you just hear your children now? A lamp goes crash in the other room and both of your kids have conflicting stories. Who ate the last cookie - Not me Mom. And so the story goes; it’s human nature to think that there will be less harsh consequences if we can avoid taking the blame. Students do this in school all the time.

Parents, you can step up at this stage and teach your children how to take responsibility for their actions and the associated outcomes. There is marvelous book called QBQ by John Miller that talks about the topic of responsibility. This book, which is just over 100 pages, can easily be read by anyone sixth grade and up in an hour or so. Miller’s premise is captured in the subtitle to his book – by asking the right questions we can eliminate blame, complaints, and procrastination. He tells us to change questions around, always beginning with “What” or “How”, include “I” in the question, and focus on action. By doing so, each question becomes a natural call to action from within.

Let’s try an example: “Why does the teacher not like me?” becomes “What can I do to improve my relationship with my teacher?” See how the subtle wording change causes action and places the burden on the person asking the question? In this situation, the parent can also ask “What can I do to help my child with this struggle?” or “How can I find out exactly what the teacher expects of my son?” See how everyone is figuring out a way to get better? Simple but powerful.

Questions that begin with “Who”, ”When”, and “Why” serve no good purpose when asked in the context that implies someone was at fault. These questions also paint the picture that somehow you are a victim, that whatever circumstance happened to you was completely out of your control. Remember that we can’t control the actions of others, only the actions of ourselves. Our actions are often decided by our attitude, and if we let our kids continue to play the victim then they’ll eventually become helpless. I encourage you to teach your children this little technique. You can help them do it also by suggesting good questions, and you too can model that behavior by asking what part you can play in helping your child get past the situation. You’ll be amazed at the changes you’ll see.

In Uncategorized accountability, parent, qbq, relationship, responsibility, student, teacher

Parenting the Middle Schooler

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In my last posting, I talked about starting early on the road to college planning. I believe that parents of middle-school students should begin planning for their student’s journey to college. It may seem like years away, but those years will pass quickly.

In middle school, students often get their first taste of multiple teachers and changing classes. No longer do they stay with one teacher and one classroom full of students all day; middle-schoolers must begin to learn how to manage the changes and pressures of a schedule, along with all of the other challenges of adolescence.

It is during these three years that middle-schoolers prepare for the transition to high school. They must learn to study effectively, to organize their time, to manage relationships with multiple teachers, and to begin to keep track of due dates for projects, tests, and homework. The degree to which they are prepared during the middle school years most often determines the academic success that they will ultimately enjoy in high school and college.

Parents play a vital role in a student’s transition to high school during these two or three years. The best things that a parent can do are:

Ask your children questions.
Communicate with their teachers.
Help them with their homework – you can’t just tell them it’s important to you, they have to see it as well.
Trust but verify – follow up on what your student tells you.
Get involved in their life – know who their friends are.
Enlist the help of other parents and clergy to help a wayward child.
Talk to them about the importance of discipline and good grades.
Limit their time engaged in social media, video games, and other technologies.
Hold them accountable – don’t make excuses for them or their teachers.
Reward good behaviors and activities.
Treat all or your children as individuals; don’t compare them to one another.
Love them unconditionally.

In Middle School or Junior High, Parenting Skills, Teachers accountability, behaviors, discipline, homework, love, middle school, organization, parent, rewards, student, study, teacher